Greetings from Berlin, one of the greenest cities I’ve ever visited. My balcony overlooks the tree-filled back yard, and there’s intermittent sunshine coming in through a cloud-dappled sky.
Here’s a letter from one of my readers Susan F. about the article ‘7 Things You Should Always Do On A Date’ (which you can read about here if you don’t know what I’m talking about.
“Hope you had or are having a great time in London. Grateful for the 7 Shoulds below, but I must say these are “it goes without saying” in my dating life.
In your writing, have you touched on WHEN you are doing the basics below, keeping open, complimentary, attentive, etc. – why a man selects not to pursue a woman?”
I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “your amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching. Just dated a man who hit all of the highlights of what I like in a man except one – available regularly.
The last man I dated and really liked chose to leave our short-term relationship to date a girl for a few months, whereby he ended up coming back to me and share how it was so bad. That he was ‘violated’ (his words) and fighting constantly with this person.
Yet, he still finds it hard to commit to me – initially, he commented ‘I was initimidated by you’ by just being me and then now commenting how he missed my calmness, that I’m not full of anger like others, I’m an angel, beautiful…so on.
What’s the question? Well, why would a successful man who has dated both good and bad women decide not to pursue a good woman like myself? Scared? If so, scared of what? Full of lies? A bad boy in good guy (sheep’s) clothing?
Well, if you have the time I truly appreciate your insight and response.
Susan F., 35, Los Angeles
Thanks for a great letter, Susan. It reminds me of the three most popular questions I get from women:
1) How do I get him?
2) How do I get him back?
3) What’s he thinking?
This is clearly a #3 question. And the answer to that question is usually “It doesn’t matter what he’s thinking.”
This is the whole point of being fulfillment-centered. Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.
This is one of the key points of The Tao of Dating for Women, which is available for your delectation right now. In fact, I tackle this whole thing in the first three pages of Chapter 1, which happens to be entitled ‘Dating for Fulfillment.’
So if some guy is not sticking around and is causing you grief because of his contradictory behavior, then clearly he’s not being a catalyst for your fulfillment. Time to let that one go, as promising as the resume may have looked.
All you can do is to is be the best possible version of yourself. As Krishna said to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not the fruits of your labors.
In the meantime, I’m hoping that the process of working on being goddess-like is its own reward. I’m guessing it feels good to be the embodiment of grace, joy, sensuality, and compassion.
Which brings us to the question: are you really doing the best you can? Are you absolutely embodying the goddess? Or is there perhaps room for improvement?
In particular, these lines from Susan give me pause:
“I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “you’re amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching.”
Now I wasn’t there, so I don’t really know what transpired or what these guys actually said. But it strikes me that they’re saying stuff about her that aren’t related to how she makes them feel.
Think about it: ever heard a guy swoon about a woman and say something like: “Damn, she’s so tidy, I just want to be with her all the time.”
Or: “She’s so career-minded it makes me hot.”
Or: “Her determination just makes me want to eat her up.”
Umm, no. Not that strength and having your stuff together are bad things. Au contraire, ma chere – they’re very good things.
They’re just not necessarily the kind of thing that men find attractive – things that make them feel good around you.
Did you touch him with that soft feminine touch of yours on the date?
Did you look straight into his eyes with the look of “you’re the greatest man in the world” when he was talking about his hobbies, then squeeze his elbow when he was really excited?
Did you ask about all his interests and passions, then listen with full attention without interrupting him when he rambled on?
Did you rub his arm, hand or back? Did you have an amazing makeout session? Did you rock his world in the sack?
The point is this: There’s always room for improvement.
Now if you’re making him feel like a million bucks and he still walks off for someone who treats him poorly, is that your problem? Nosirreebob it’s not. You’re only responsible for your stupidity, not that of others.
In the meantime, you can still work on being truly irresistible. Then when Mr Right comes along who can appreciate you for the fine-feathered creature that you are, you’re ready.
So, in summary: let your fulfillment be your guide. Suspend judgment indefinitely. And work on yourself in a way that the process is its own reward.
If you’d like more ideas on how to do these things (and a whole lot more), I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible if you haven’t already. You’ll be glad you did. In fact, I’m so sure of it that I guarantee it.