Tao of Dating Experiment: ‘The Doctor’

The Phoenix rides again. See my comment at the end.– AB

I can’t sleep.

That’s pretty normal for me though.  I have a lot on my mind lately.  Work, life, food (a la cleanse = lack of), etc.  I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  There is Fate, but it generally falls into the overall plan.

Tonight I went to Yoga to fulfill my twice a week goal.  I hate going to the gym at night since it’s packed…mostly with women with full on club make-up and with more intention of being picked up vs. picking up weights.  I went with a friend who is a hardcore gym regular.  I’m hoping that rubs off on me too.

As we left the Yoga class, I remember commenting, “Watch, I will run into The Doctor the ONE time he happens to be at the gym when I am”.  Less than 2 minutes later as my friend and I part ways to different sections of the gym, I find that I am face to face with The Doctor.

The Doctor was one of those relationships I “pruned” in my spring cleaning.  We met around Thanksgiving.  In an odd, but somewhat flattering way, he sent me a message on one of the social networking sites commenting on my profile pic and how he really liked it.  I had no idea who he was, nor did I know if we had any common friends.  Turns out we had one common friend, who I didn’t know that well, but had hung out with on a few occasions.

The first time we met up it was the day after Thanksgiving for a motorcycle ride.  He thought it was cool that I rode, and I was stoked to have found someone to go riding with.  The chemistry was immediate.  A Man’s Man kinda guy.  Not super fit, a huskier build, but definitely solid.  They type of guy who could throw some stuff around.  I dug that.  He was also a Doctor and loved talking about his work in great detail, which I found incredibly interesting.

We shared a few good dates, nothing out of the ordinary, but good enough that I really enjoyed spending time with him.  He has a crazy schedule, so we weren’t always able to see each other as often as I would have liked, but I figured if he was really interested, he would find a way.

Things really simmered down when I was out of town for an extended period.  I had sent him a text message asking for his mailing address since I wanted to send him a postcard.  He replied that I should probably send it to his Dad’s since he wasn’t sure he would still be living in LA.  Huh?  What?  You wouldn’t even be back when I returned?  That’s odd.  Okay.

So he then texts me that he will have to introduce me to his buddy visiting from NY, “He’s a Doctor too, and WAAY hotter than me…I think you would like him more”.  That was the text equivalent of a cold shower on whatever flame that was left for the Doctor.  Clearly, you must not be THAT into me if you are trying to pass me off to some buddy that is in town.  Sick.

I reply as maturely as possible, which took a LOT of effort.  “No need to pawn me off to your friends.  I do just fine on my own, thanks.”  Then…silence.

He continued to txt me the remainder of my time away, and I would just delete them.  Clearly I was just some commodity to be passed around and traded.  Not the Man who would stand his ground and stake his claim!

Long story short, when I got back into town I had 7 text messages saying he tried to say “hi” over the last 2 weeks.  But I never replied.  That morning I did and explained that my phone didn’t work.  An excuse.  But true, somewhat.

There was a lot of miscommunication with the Doctor.  We never once talked about how we felt about each other.  Even if it was nothing.  So we just assumed.  He assumed I only wanted a physical relationship (I call bullshit on that claim though…what woman ONLY wants a physical relationship?) and I assumed the same about him.  So I stopped calling.  Then I took the next step of preventing him access to my inner workings and social networking….deletions and blocking.

Despite all that…there he was.  We exchanged pleasantries. He complemented me on how I looked and offered some treatments for my wrist, which has been a source of pain/frustration the last few months.  Then I left him to continue on my cardio workout.  Once I found a bike, he came back over 3 more times to talk to me.  The last time to say he was leaving.

Oddly enough, as I saw him anxiously try to find a machine nearby, then do one rep and move to the next, I thought it was endearing and sweet.  I really did dig him.  In the brief text conversation debrief, he alluded to also being into me and wanting a relationship, but we were never on the same page.  What a shame.  I really did dig him.  We had great chemistry and was a more dominant personality than my own, which I loved.

He explained the comment about wanting to introduce me to his friend was said out of insecurity.  And a “game” to see how I would respond.  Clearly, I don’t play games well.

But here it comes…wait, wait for it, wait…..I missed him.

Seeing him there tonight was like a alcoholic’s anonymous member taking a shot.  He was my shot.  I played it cool.  Maybe even too cool.  Indifferent.  But that was the side of me protecting my heart.  Guys like him can’t be faithful, so why even waste my time?

At one point I really did dig him.  Liked him a lot and wanted to spend so much time with him.  But once I got the suspicion that he was playing the field and not really into me, I stepped back with the other options I had been avoiding.  (Also deleted.)

The odd thing is I couldn’t call the Doctor if I wanted.  I deleted his contact before I got to change it to “Do Not Answer”.

Why do I feel like I am in High School again?  I thought we grew out of this type of schoolyard angst.  I suppose I will keep him in that delete list, until he is proven innocent and worthy.

***None of this may makes sense….sleeping pill kicking in….will reread tomorrow***

pray that I will dream about the man that I will love and deserves to be loved.

AB: This is one of those cases where some of Don Miguel Ruiz’s ‘Four Agreements’ come in handy.

Here’s a guy who is beyond a shadow of a doubt into Phoenix and has pursued her with some earnestness and avidity.  And she’s into him.  But at some point, she made the assumption that he was ‘playing the field’ and his interest in her was merely superficial.  Over time, this assumption congealed into cold, hard fact, and as a result two people who seem to enjoy one another’s company are alone and experiencing misgiving instead of fun.

That brings us to the Third Agreement: ‘Don’t make assumptions.’  If you’re not sure, ask questions till you get a straight answer.

It seems like the crux of the communication breakdown is that one text message about meeting his friend who’s way hotter than he is.  Here’s the thing: modern means of communication should more accurately be called modern means of miscommunication.  Email and text message are devoid of tone and inflection and fertile with the possibility of misunderstanding.  It’s a good idea to make a policy never (and I mean NEVER) to make emotional communications or major decisions through those two media.  Face-to-face is best; voice is second best.

Which brings us to the Second Agreement: ‘Take nothing personally.’  If Phoenix had merely brushed off the text as pleasantry and banter (which it most likely was) as opposed to an affront to her attractiveness, things may have progressed very differently.

In conclusion: if a guy contacts you 7 times, he’s interested.  If he’s a halfway decent guy and you’re even slightly into him, give yourself the chance to find out what he’s all about, even if there’s been some misgivings in the past.  As the Tao Te Ching says, ‘The soft overcomes the hard.’ Closing up is never the solution.  Openness always is. As Marianne Williamson says from The Course in Miracles, “There is only one mistake in life, and that is to not let love in.”

I haven’t met this guy, so I can’t say for sure that he’s right or wrong for Phoenix.  What I can say is that she is not exercising her full power in making this go well for her.  As Krishna says to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not necessarily the results of your labors.  And if you get the labors right, they are your rewards.  So let’s get that part of the house in order, shall we?

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