A letter of vast proportions and implications:
Hi Dr. Ali:
I love your blog and try and visit frequently. I would say that I love love love orchid ice cream for the first time (and I’m nearly 43)! I know that you deal with dating and not “relationships” per se, but I think that you’re the right person to ask because of the unique circumstances of this particular “relationship”…..About me: I left my husband of almost 10 years because I married someone to whom I was ONLY intellectually attracted. The “chemistry” (reptilian brain) and the emotional/friendship (mammalian brain) parts were not there (we did nothing fun together). After one year (of being divorced) I ran into someone (while I was working) and it was ELECTRIC. I have never been this (more…)
Hi Dr. Ali,
I have a quick question for you. My ex and I have dated on and off since my divorce, and each time he seems to find a way to break off the relationship, only to come back a couple of months later (sometimes sooner) and tell me how much he misses me. We have tried at least 5 times to make it work and it never does. Although, I have been with many other men who completely fall in love with me, I can’t seem to stop thinking about the first and every time he emails me I go back, and break the heart of who ever I am with. Anyway cut to the chase right! He has come back once again (the last time I broke it off saying I didn’t feel he was into the relationship, but he seemed perfectly fine with it), saying that he is completely in love with me and wants nothing more than to have a life with me. He is throwing in marriage, living together etc. So my question is – Is it possible that he has changed and this can truly work? Or is it just another ploy to see if he can get me back? Thank you for your advice. — Amanda
Hoo boy. I love questions like these. My quick answer to you, in the form of a story:
Imagine that you live in a big city with thousands of restaurants. There’s this one restaurant that used to be your absolute favorite. But you got sick once, and you stopped going. But then they sent you coupons and wanted you back, so you relented and went back. And got sick again. FIVE TIMES.
What would you call someone who kept on going back to that one restaurant to the exclusion of the thousands of others? And kept on getting sick?
There are millions of men out there whom you have never divorced nor broken up with. I say you give them a shot! I don’t know your ex, but from here it sounds like that experiment has run its course, and he’s a narcissist bent on making sure you don’t get together with a guy who actually makes you happy.
Your ex may not necessarily be a horrible person, mind you. It’s just that he is 100% full of (more…)