Many of you wrote in after video blog #6 asking, “How am I supposed to love my enemies? I mean, they’re my enemies! This makes no sense!”
Hey, I hear ya. So here’s a little explanation of that concept as I understand it. Make sure to rate the video and comment so I know you’re listening, and if you like it, share it with friends via Facebook and spread the good word:
Here’s a little video I made for you to make the case for becoming a multiorgasmic man, including the first basic steps of your training. Check it out, and show signs of life by rating it and commenting on it. And if you like it, share with friends by tweeting it out and posting it to your Facebook profile – thanks for spreading the word!
Remember that multiorgasmic training is a part of the Metamorphosis Program, the monthlong training to take your love life from where it is to where you want it to be. Free preview teleseminar is this Thursday, 15 Oct at 5.30pm PDT/8.30pm EDT/1.30am London/11.30am Sydney, and the program starts Monday, 19 Oct – sign up for that here. Click here for more info on the Metamorphosis Program.
One of the most moving visits of my trip was to the great city of Warsaw. In this video, I tell you exactly what made it so moving and how it relates to your personal resurrection.
Especially if you think you’re in a slump, down in the dumps, at the end of your rope, or embroiled in some other metaphor you don’t like, I encourage you to take a lesson from Warsaw. Renewal happens in an instant, and as the saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life.
As usual, if you like the video, please show me you’re alive! Rate it, comment on it, share it with friends via Facebook and Twitter, and embed it on your own website. You never know whom you’re going to touch with exactly the message that they need to hear at that moment. Here’s the link to send it along: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnZyLjthOqM
Hey guys. Thanks a lot for your enthusiastic response to the videos. One of you even recognized me in church service the other day and said hi. This stuff gets around – who knew!
Here’s another video to stimulate some thinking and reconsideration.
I’d always wondered what it meant to ‘love your enemy’ and it never made a lot of sense. Frankly, most of the time I would have preferred that the troublemakers in my life do the polite thing and drop dead.
However, recently, it made much more sense to me, and after watching this video, it will make sense to you, too.
As usual, if you like it, please show signs of life by rating it, commenting on it, and sharing it with friends. And you have my full blessing to embed it on your own site if you have one.
Thanks for your super-enthusiastic response to the ‘Project Love’ video. Seems like it struck a resonant chord with a lot of you.
The key thing to remember is to just get back to basics sometimes.
So often we get caught up in the adult world of upholding our own supposed importance that we forget the simple ways to make a human connection — y’know, the stuff we used to do in the sandbox as kids (and I’m not talking about scurrying off with Mary Jane’s toys, you little rascal you).
The content of this here video is so simple as to almost be elementary — but mega-important! And I bet my entire chocolate stash (and it is vast) that you’re not doing it nearly enough.
Once again, you get to see me in a way-exotic locale. And just like the last video, just doing the practice will make you feel good.
As before, feel free to share it with friends the way you know how (Facebook, Twitter etc). I bet each of you knows at least one sourpuss who could benefit from this. Also you have my full blessing to embed this on your own site/blog so long as it benefits more folks.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
This video from Riga, Latvia is the first in a series that I made on my trip. They’re really quick, but if you apply the principle I talk about, you can radically transform your life – I kid thee not.
The idea of projecting love may sound a bit foreign and new-agey at first, but I assure you — the results are real. And real good! So check it out, apply it, and let me know you’re alive by rating the video, commenting on it and sharing it with friends. Also feel free to embed it on your own website:
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
Finally, after years of telling myself “I’ll spend this summer in Europe,” I got my act together and went for a monthlong trip to Northeast Europe. Not only was it a great experience, but it also reminded me of the power of travel to heal the soul and expand the mind:
1. You increase your patience.
As Americans, we’re used to instant gratification and attentive customer service. However, the rest of the world does not necessarily share this ethos.
So when it’s 7.50am and the trainee at the only open ticket counter of the Warsaw Central Station doesn’t speak English and is taking on average 22 minutes to take care of each customer, it’s a good time to practice your meditation technique.
And when the train’s stopped in the middle of Nowhere, Lithuania, for no discernible reason, breathe in and breathe out, because getting righteously indignant won’t solve your problem but might give you an ulcer.
Remember that you’re only traveling because you’ve got time on your hands, so relax, take a look around you, and know that what you call a problem now will be a funny story later. A mind at ease is more likely to find you a solution in any case. Which brings us to…
2. You become more resourceful.
At home, you know where to get good Thai food, set a dislocated shoulder or post bail – all in English. Not so in Vilnius, Lithuania, especially when you have no phone and no car.
So instead of the soft, coddled ball of unimaginative pudge that you’ve become, you need to get creative. Get a map and figure out where you are. Learn how to count, say hi , please , thank you , do you speak English and beer in the local language (especially in Poland – damn good beer, I tell you). Find an internet terminal and search for cool things to do in town. And make sure you check the other side of the Warsaw Central Station to find the ticket counter with no line.
And, if you’re feeling really daring, make friends with the natives. They’re better resources than any guidebook and the key to turning a good trip into an epic one. And then…
3. You open your heart to strangers and get better at giving and receiving love.
When you’re abroad, you feel like a guest wherever you go and thus carry yourself with a kinder, more open comportment. Especially when you travel alone, you have no choice but to make contact with strangers – to get directions, decipher a menu or have company. Necessity becomes the mother of connection.
This allows you to break out of your urban hermit shell, reach out to other human beings and find out that not only do most of them not bite, they even welcome your gesture of friendship. Trains, tourist kiosks, and park benches are just three of the places I’ve made long-standing friends on previous trips.
Every friend you’ve ever made was a stranger the second before the first hello. So dare to say hi – and perhaps discover a new friend.
I’ve also noticed that most people have a much tougher time receiving kindness than giving it (myself no exception). On this trip, complete strangers took me on guided car tours of their towns (thrice!), treated me to dinner, cooked for me at home, and took me on picnics.
It was difficult for me to accept all this unsolicited grace. But since it was even harder to say no, all I could do was accept and offer my gratitude – and promise to pass it on
4. You lower your expectations – and end up happier.
Let’s face it: we Americans are pretty spoiled. We want attentive customer service and we want it now; we want our accommodations spotless and super-convenient; we want stores to be open every day, around the clock; and want it all in English, preferably with a Midwestern accent.
Well, as it turns out, the majority of the planet does not operate that way. There is Italian time (slow), Spanish time (slower), and Rio time (slowest). There are communication barriers, scheduling irregularities (whaddya mean the museum’s closed on Monday?), regulations and customs that will make snags inevitable.
That’s okay, since the point of travel is not to know what’s going to happen next. So develop a habit of going with the flow. I love this quote from Chapter 55 of the Tao Te Ching :
The Master’s power is like this.
He lets all things come and go
Effortlessly, without desire.
He never expects results;
Thus he is never disappointed.
He is never disappointed;
Thus his spirit never grows old.
One of my teachers, a Tibetan Buddhist lama, told us that the cornerstones of spiritual practice are reducing fear and expectation. So feel free to think of your next vacation not just as a joyride but also as a legitimate spiritual exercise.
5. You suspend judgment, becoming more tolerant.
Last week I saw a kid at a coffee shop with metal hoops in his earlobes big enough to put a baby’s fist through, and thought, “That’s freaky.” But when I saw that on a Berlin hipster, I thought, “Local custom – cool!”
And so you can chalk up pretty much everything to local custom and suspend judgment indefinitely. This allows us to see the world as it is, not the mental construct we usually impose on it which you mistake for reality.
Perhaps people harbor their most potent prejudices when it comes to language. How dare others speak differently – and how peculiar their languages! Yet to them, it’s the air they breathe and just as natural a part of their world.
With the pervasiveness of American media and English as the world’s lingua franca, it’s easy to fall into an ethnocentric trap. So maybe it takes a language like Mandarin, with over 600 million native speakers and a fiendishly difficult script, or Pirahã, an Amazon language of about 400 speakers, ten sounds and no words for color or number, to snap us out of our ethnocentrism and make us appreciate the existence of other equally valid worldviews.
While ruminating over my summer travels in Northern Europe, I came up with 10 ways the trip affected me positively. Last week, I shared the first 5 ways travel can transform you. Here are the rest of them:
6. You get to feel poor and develop your compassion.
The moment you cross the border into a country with a new currency is a humbling one, because you are literally penniless. Nobody wants those bucks you’ve got in your wallet, so you’d better get hold of some euros, yuan, zlotys or kroons pronto if you want a popsicle.
Until you find a working ATM, you get to experience what it’s like to have no money at all. Perhaps then you will have more compassion for Oliver Twist, as he stared, hungry and forlorn, at all the goodies behind the London shop windows beyond his reach. Then again, if you’re in London in 2009, you’re bound to feel poor anyway, no thanks to the wimpy dollar.
7. You get to feel rich and develop a more expansive state of being.
Once you do manage to score some yuan or zloty in a place like Beijing or Warsaw, things start to look a lot sunnier since the cost of living in most parts of the world is lower than in America.
Some spectacular meals in Beijing cost me less than ten dollars, and a magnificent recital at the Warsaw Chopin Festival was a mere 6 beans. But beyond just being able to afford more stuff is the expansion of the mind that comes along with it. You feel wealthier, which in turn allows you to enter a more expansive state.
From there, more abundance is possible – and more munificence (try leaving a $10 tip in a small family-run restaurant in Costa Rica and watch what happens). With this new mindset of abundance, you’ll carry yourself differently and think differently – and perhaps dare to achieve greater things.
8. You wake up to your senses.
I was in Berlin and stumbled upon a corner mom-and-pop produce store owned by a Turkish couple. I bought a box of cherry tomatoes and bit into one on the way home, and – heilige Kuhe! (that’s German for ‘holy cow’) It was like a bomb of flavor exploding in my mouth, dizzying in its intensity. Who knew that tomatoes could bite back?
Your brain is supremely skilled at filtering out the familiar and telling you only about what matters – namely, change. Travel bypasses that filter and awakens your senses by confronting you with the unfamiliar. The mind then demands an explanation to the question, “What the hell is this?” That’s when you start to see, hear, feel, smell and taste afresh.
Now you have to stop and really take in the baby-blue Art Deco building in Riga. You have to listen to the folk singers in Warsaw Old Town Square and taste the cepelinai (zeppelin dumplings) in Vilnius. You have to feel the lumpy cobblestone under your sandals in Tallinn and smell the damp, salty breeze coming in from the Baltic.
In short, you get to meet the world again, as if a child: “Hello, world. It’s me. Sorry I’ve been tuning you out for the past couple of decades. I promise to pay more attention from now on.”
9. You get to stop compulsive behaviors.
I check email – a lot. But on my deathbed, I don’t want to think, “I spent a solid 20 years of my life tapping the ‘Get Mail’ button like a narcotized rat – sweet.” So it was a pleasant side-benefit that, during most of my trip, I simply had no way of getting online (except on the super-swanky wi-fi equipped Estonian bus lines ). By the time of my return, I was detoxed pretty well from email and phased it out to checking it just once or twice a day.
The same can go for smoking (who wants to pay $10 a pack in London?), eating sweets, nailbiting, or booty-calling ex-boyfriends. You just can’t do those things for a while, so your neurology gets time to let go, tune down, and get you back to normal. By the time you get back home, you may even realize that you have the option to kick the habit for good.
10. You relinquish your so-called identity.
The elements of self are tethered to people, places and things: you live in the Uppity Northmiddle Side; you hang out with your college friends from Name Brand U; you Chase Bank (no need to make that one up); you’re Senior VP of Very Important Stuff; you drive a Prestigemobile.
But when you travel, you leave the neighborhood, friends, job, titles and possessions that you thought defined you. And what’s left without them? Someone freer and far more interesting, usually. After introducing yourself as just plain George a few times (especially if your name isn’t George), you may start to appreciate the freedom of relinquishing the burden of persona.
This is the Buddhist principle of anatta , or no-self, made manifest. You let go of the trappings and get down to who you really are, which is the witness. The witness feels but is not the feeling; she sees but is not the scene. As a result, she is lighthearted and free to see the world as it is without getting too caught up in it.
Some say this is the ultimate purpose of travel – and perhaps the essence of successful living. In the last stanza of Four Quartets , T.S. Eliot writes:
“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”
So you come back home and start to see it again – not as the world, but in the proper context of a much greater World. Instead of being a tiny atom looking from the inside out, you are the more expansive version of you, looking from the outside in. And with the Traveler in your mind and heart, the whole world is now your home.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
Book for women: www.TaoOfDating.com/women
Book for men: www.TaoOfDating.com/men
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email: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
Yesterday I came across this fantastic article on happiness by Joshua Wolf Shenk (a college classmate of mine, coincidentally) in The Atlantic Monthly on the Grant Study, the longest longitudinal study of happiness ever conducted. Its findings are revelatory, beautiful, sobering, instructive, encouraging and altogether amazing. As it turns out, some of the participants in the study ended up becoming pretty prominent: two US senators, the journalist Ben Bradlee, and a certain future President of the United States, John F. Kennedy.
The study was conducted on men only, and Harvard men at that, so it doesn’t exactly start out with normal. But the conclusions are powerful, and a comparison group of youth who were also followed provides a control which shows, for example, that long-term health has less to do with affluence and education and a lot to do with how much you drink and smoke (surprise). In any case, I urge you to print out the article for yourself and for all your kids. It’s rare that one piece captures the full sweep of human life like this.
Here are some excerpts:
“Is there a formula—some mix of love, work, and psychological adaptation—for a good life? For 72 years, researchers at Harvard have been (more…)
When the going gets tough, the tough get meditating.
A few weekends ago I had the privilege of attending The Soul of Success seminar with Marianne Williamson and Deepak Chopra in Los Angeles.
In these times of economic uncertainty, Marianne and Deepak had decided to transmit a message of spiritual and economic empowerment to their audience.
As a vivid demonstration of their commitment to helping their students, they offered scholarships to those who requested it. Several attendees had taken up the offer from places as far-flung as Florida and Tennessee.
Marianne has always believed in accommodating those seeking her teachings regardless of their finances, and she certainly practiced what she preached in this workshop.
I only had a vague idea of what the workshop would entail, but having had both Deepak and Marianne as teachers for many years, I implicitly trusted their message and method.
Marianne began with a powerful prayer and a 90min lecture exhorting us to (more…)
I get many letters like this from readers (both male and female):
“I met this guy, and he took me to dinner, and it was really romantic, but he did/didn’t try to kiss me, then he called/didn’t call back, then he asked/didn’t ask me out again, and what does it all mean is he interested what should I do help help help.”
Now, many of you think I have magical powers. And it’s absolutely true. For example, I can make whole plates of pasta vanish in seconds and order beer in 12 languages.
However, reading the minds of your dates whom I have never seen nor met is not one of those powers. I missed that boat of psychic ability.
Additionally, trying to parse each individual situation for an ultimate answer doesn’t work so well, because there are millions of situations and often no ultimate answer.
However, just a few reliable principles can solve a whole bunch of problems. I’ve found the following five principles pretty handy. They form the backbone of the Tao of Dating book for women and men, and here they are: (more…)
While we’re on the topic of masculinity, here’s a video from my ‘Transformation Weekend’ seminar I did some time back. Thanks for all of your positive feedback on it so far — we’re working on making an audio product of the seminar ready. In the meantime, enjoy the video, and feel free to rate it and comment on it:
Last night, I was at a business networking mixer here in Los Angeles. As the event winded down, I was talking to these two lovely young ladies — let’s call them Ashley and Sarah — who seemed really preoccupied about a message Ashley was composing on her Blackberry.
They kept on going back and forth, with Sarah editing Ashley — “No, say it this way” — and then Ashley re-editing the edit.
Eagle-eyed professional that I am, I thought, gee, could this possibly be about a boy? They apologized for ignoring me and sheepishly admitted, yes, it was about a boy — specifically, the one Ashley was dating. Sorta.
So why was it so hard to compose this message? “Because he’s being a douche-bag,” Ashley said, rolling her eyes. I sensed that ‘douche-bag’ was a term of art, so as a scientist I had to figure out exactly what rendered this fellow a douche-bag.
As it turns out, the boy — ‘DB’ henceforth — was being unclear in his intentions. He said he cared for her but his career came first. When asked point blank whether he cared for her, he’d offer evasive, non-committal answers like “Well, I’ve been with you 8 months now, haven’t I?”
To this, I told Ashley that I’ve heard a guy say “You are amazing and wonderful; it’s a privilege to be with you and I absolutely adore you” before, and it sounded different from “Gee, well I haven’t run away yet.”
We talked for a while, and the summary of it was that Ashley was clearly unfulfilled in the relationship. Yet she kept on making excuses for DB.
Why? She gave two reasons. First: “It sucks to be single — this way at least I’ve got somebody.” And second: “I just feel great around him when he is around.”
Hmmmm.
Let’s parse the first statement for a moment. Somehow Ashley’s thinking that mediocre treatment from a guy is better than no treatment at all.
This is a very, very dangerous assumption. Because it leads you straight down what I call the ladder of compromise. In the study of organizational behavior, it’s called normalization of deviance.
It goes something like this: a guy does something which you don’t like all that much — maybe shows up late. You don’t say anything. So he keeps on showing up late. Pretty soon, you’re regularly waiting a whole hour for him to show up.
Or say a guy puts you down a little and you don’t complain, because he’s so great in all these other departments. Your unconscious is always working to avoid cognitive dissonance, so on some deep level it accepts that this is the level of treatment you deserve.
Now your self-esteem is in the toilet, so you think the next guy who comes along who treats you well is crazy and instead glom on to guys who serially treat you like dirt.
What you’ve done is that, little by little, you’ve allowed poor treatment to be okay. You’ve normalized the deviance.
Ladies (and gentlemen, too) — this is a very pernicious thing. Once you allow the foot in the door for a little mistreatment, you’re effectively allowing a lot more of it to happen down the road. Heck, psychologists even have a name for it — the ‘foot in the door technique.’
That’s why you have to practice zero-tolerance when it comes to matters of fulfillment and being treated well.
This is how my smart, beautiful friend Holly (featured in the introduction to The Tao of Dating for Women) ended with a deadbeat who physically abused her. For 1.5 years.
This is how another very smart, absolutely gorgeous woman ended up with a husband who beat her up routinely — for 12 years. And is still with him.
Repeat after me: “I will only spend time with people who treat me exceptionally well and make me feel like the queen of the universe.”
Why? Because you have a duty to the world to be the best possible version of you — so you can shine your light as far and wide as possible. I’m telling you — the world needs you now more than ever. So when you let a guy get away with doing something — anything — to diminish that light, you’re shirking your duty to the world.
So henceforth, I want you to practice ruthless compassion for yourself. Sure, the guy’s cute, and you feel great when he’s around. But if he’s putting you down instead of lifting you up, it’s time for him to go. Like, now.
Granted, because of the brew of chemicals in your head and the unconscious compromises you’ve already made, this is a tough thing to do.
You also have to admit that you’ve been wrong — totally, completely wrong. Your ego hates that. Get over it, girl — don’t let your ego ruin your life.
Also, notice Ashley’s second reason: “I just feel so good when he is around.” I’m paraphrasing a bit here, but the way she described it to me was exactly the way a junkie describes a hit of crack or heroin. Basically, a drug.
There was no description of mutual enrichment, support, deepening of the spirit. Just a jolt of good feeling, which is the essence of what drugs do — empty euphoria.
Well, guess what ladies — neurophysiologically, guys operate in the exact same way that drugs do. So he’s not just like a drug — he is a drug. And just as bad for you.
And we all know how tough it is to get off drugs.
In the interest of making this article eminently practical, this is how you rid your life of the drug of Toxic Dude (or Dudette):
1) Detox.
This means you stay away from him for at least one week — two’s even better. Going on a trip and having no contact with him is one of the more effective ways. Technically, it allows your brain to downregulate receptors and adapt to normal chemistry. Practically, it gets him off your mind.
2) Get help.
Like Odysseus, canvass your compadres to keep you away from toxic dude, since you know you’re too weak to do it yourself (see my post on the Odysseus Protocol). Listen to them — they often know what’s good for you better than you do.
3) Do better.
Hang out with people who do elevate you and make you feel wonderful, and notice the contrast. Heck, maybe even go on a date with a nice guy for a change. It gets a lot harder to go back to instant ramen noodles once you’ve had gourmet pasta.
The other thing that the girls were doing which I found interesting was trying to figure out why DB behaved the way he did. They spent a lot of time and energy guessing what this meant and that could mean.
And you know what? It doesn’t matter. At all.
There’s an old Buddhist parable about a man being shot in the leg with an arrow. Instead of taking care of the arrow stuck in his leg, he asks, “Who shot the arrow? Which tribe was he from? Who’s his father? What kind of bow was it?”
Umm, dude, newsflash: there’s an arrow in your leg. Why don’t we take care of that first.
Similarly, the only thing that matters is how well you’re being treated — whether you’re feeling fulfilled or not. That is your internal compass, and the only criterion that matters. Don’t worry where the arrow came from.
You have to realize that no man is a complete ogre, so sure — he’s going to have some redeeming qualities. And yeah, you’re not totally nuts, so you hang out with him because it does feel good on some level.
But I urge you to set your standards high, ladies (and guys). And once you’ve set them, do not tolerate any subpar treatment. I’m telling you that you deserve the best because it’s absolutely true. All you have to do is convince yourself that it’s true and live accordingly.
