I’d like to introduce to you the work of my friend and colleague Evan Marc Katz. Most recently, he released the ebook ‘Why He Disappeared’, which I liked a lot. He talks exactly the kind of horse-sense that I dig, so I hope you find this useful.
I invite you to think of the last time you were emotionally invested in a man.
It could have been a promising prospect you met online, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.
The common denominator is that this man, who took your breath away and gave you hope, ultimately left you.
I know how it feels. Most people do. You stake your dreams on the integrity of your relationship, only to find out that he had eyes for someone else, that he had major issues with you, or that wasn’t ready to commit to you.
This can be devastating. It can make you mistrustful. It can make you lose faith. It can stop you from dating entirely.
But the hardest part is how, far too often, you never quite get over him.
Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped. It makes perfect sense. He might have broken up with you, but that doesn’t mean you love him any less.
This exact scenario happened recently with my client, Wanda, who was still recovering from a short relationship with a man she met on JDate.
They had gotten physical after 5 dates, took down their profiles, and gave an exclusive relationship a shot. Two and a half months later, he broke things off. Said he wasn’t feeling what he thought he should be feeling. Said it wasn’t her fault. Said he wanted to remain friends.
So Wanda has remained friends with her ex – and has remained in love with him as well.
Needless to say, it’s extremely hard for her to move on. Every new man gets unfavorably compared to the ex. It’s not that she’s wrong; Wanda can’t help herself. She felt that dizzy, passionate, “in love” feeling, and even though the ex is gone, the feeling still lingers.
But should it?
Wanda’s wondering about how to get him back. She’s hoping that their friendship turns back into a relationship. She’s “dating” but not really giving herself to the process.
In other words, she is pining for the return of a man who does not love her unconditionally.
You’ve probably done the same thing.
But let me ask you: don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally? Wouldn’t you figure that this should be a pre-condition for any man who’s going to spend his life with you? I sure do.
In fact, if I’m building the perfect man, I’m starting there and working backwards:
1) Most important quality: Loves you unconditionally. Will stick by you for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.
2) Second most important quality: Everything else – height, weight, age, income, education, etc.
Yet all I hear about, over and over, is the amazing, tall, cute, sexy, charismatic, funny, successful guy who breaks your heart when he doesn’t want to commit to you.
Well, guess what?
That guy SUCKS!
Your husband DOESN’T leave you.
Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his fundamental flaw.
And you’re holding onto an idealized image of him – hoping he comes back.
Why? So when you get him back, he STILL doesn’t love you unconditionally?
Face it, your ex isn’t as great as you think he is. It’s not that he’s not a great catch on paper. But in practice, he’s a terrible life partner for you for one reason.
He was willing to let you go. Now it’s time for you to let him go.
Same thing with any man who broke your heart in the past. Let him go. Only then can you open up to true love – the kind that endures forever.
wow, there has never been a more perfect time in my life than right now, to read this article. thanks evan!
Yes moving on is difficult after a relationship that lasted years but he became grumpy super grumpy and unpleasant. His way or the highway type of guy. I guess I am the type that do not leave people unless it impacted my children. Once I make a commitment I keep it and that is a serious problem in today’s world. Even though I always know it’s for the best and that my way of selecting men is that they are not like the last guy is very flawed. I am trying to change but I’m almost at retirement age. All relationships start off great but I guess that were not what i wanted even so I still have a hard time letting go. Any ideas?
I work in the Match Making buss, and have just recently started started dating myself after many many years of being single. It’s been so hard. Feel hard for someone and was hurt pretty bad. Even though we both agreed that neither of us wanted anything serious. Btw, he’s a great guy. I totally scared him off! Even if it might not have turned out to be anything, I definitely did many things to ensure it was going to end. After reading a few of your articles the last few days a very bright light bulb has turned on for me! I have never read anything that has affected me like your words! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!