The Phoenix speaks again:
“First impressions: Sinking gut. That lead weight feeling you get when you know you’ve really messed something up. As I read the “Introduction I couldn’t skip” I felt a wave of self pity wash over me. I was these women Dr. Alex was describing.
I had flashbacks to my last blog joking about my wild attraction to guys without jobs or enough money to even take me out on a decent date…it really isn’t all that funny. I do want a “Good Guy”. As I read the description of what I want aka The Good Guy (strong internal compass, leader, comfortable in his own skin, knows what he wants, etc) I could hear my inner optimist screaming, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”, but once I finished the paragraph my inner pessimist chimed in with, “pshaw, yeah right…not in LA.”
“When you chase anything in life, you are affirming its lack in your life”. p. 31
Wow. Duly noted. I think the greatest frustration with that painfully poignant sentence is that it goes against what has made me successful today.
Early in life we are taught to chase our dreams…”Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss you will still be amongst the stars!”. For most of my life I have been an overachiever. I busted my ass in high school so I could get into a great college and win scholarships to pay for it. I kicked ass in college so I could get a high paying job. I worked myself ragged in a high paying job with a successful company so I could be financially secure. Now what? I did everything they said to do and I succeeded.
Now I want the Man, the family, and the white picket fence to match.
“Most people think of success in terms of possession: in order to be someone, you must have something. If you have money and spend lots of is, you are rich. If you have an attractive mate, you are successful in dating.” p. 35
So true. I once had it all. A six figure income and a very attractive mate…but I was miserable. Clearly the relationship I was in didn’t “catalyze an abundance of fulfilling feelings in my life, like love, peace, and contentment”, so I got out (or more accurately he left). I also left the six figure income. I often thought that my success was a liability in my dating. I generally made more money than the men I dated. Most men will say that it doesn’t bother them, but I know it did.
***1:09 am…fading fast…will finish in the morning***
Okay…so a night to sleep on it. I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed and defeated. I also found out that one of my recent prospects is going on a “date” tonight through a mutual friend. It was an odd physiological reaction to the news. Slight gut sinking. Flush feeling through my body like a warm sweat. Much like the feelings I got with the realization that I am those women Dr. Alex speaks of in the introduction to the Tao of Dating.
I KNOW I deserve better, but for some reason I settle for guys who seem to only make me an option. I deserve to be an entree vs an appetizer. What the hell am I doing wrong?
What KILLS me is that I’m having these physiological reactions to guys that I KNOW aren’t on my same level, but clearly financial success hasn’t always been a requirement with me.
“I don’t care what car you drive; I don’t care what neighborhood you live in; what matters is how you make me feel when I am with you.”
This is the first sentence of my online dating profile. Clearly, I take that to heart since most of the guys I seem to date aren’t on the same level of success that I have achieved. Why do I keep choosing these men???
I am grateful for the blessings I have. I am thankful everyday for a beautiful home, great health, financial security, and most importantly an amazing circle of friends. I have done it all. I have hiked the Great Wall of China, I’ve dived the Great Barrier Reef, I’ve climbed to the top of the Tour Eiffel, and I have completed numerous triathlons…but I can’t seem to find one man that can appreciate me as much as I appreciate them. I know, I know…the whole first chapter talks about abundance and that I must always think about abundance for me to have abundance but for just a few paragraphs of one blog let me go ahead and have my pity party.
I’m tired. Part of me wants to give up and start shopping for big crazy hats so I can be the crazy Spinster with the pack of dogs. I’m tired of feeling like I have to dumb down my intelligence, athleticism, or success just so I don’t immasculate the men I date. I am successful. I am exceptional. I should expect the same.
“What kind of person would you be if you truly believed that you have everything that you need? And what kind of people would you draw into your life if you were that person? Start there.” p. 41
That sounds reasonable. Fine. I will start there. I will put aside my feelings of insecurity and self doubt and focus on all that is great in my life (and there is a ton). I will stop chasing that which doesn’t wish to be caught. I will focus on my own abundance and fulfillment. If not now then when? Now is the time.”
“Welcome anything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else.”
-André Gide, The Fruits of the Earth