Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

Modern Science and Ancient Wisdom for Living the Good Life

  • The Praise Sandwich and how to deal with Octopus Man

    Hi Dr. A:

    I had a second date with a guy on Sunday that I think I could possibly like–I certainly admire his work and his work ethic. BUT on our second date, we had a make out session but then suddenly he turned into octopus man and actually found out what color bra I was wearing!  I wasn’t prepared for that and now am feeling slightly resentful and guilty and angry and wondering what I did. Yes, I kissed him passionately for minutes at a time. Was that it? Now that it’s done–I won’t see him for a couple of weeks (he’s away working.) That doesn’t bother me (yet.) My question is: How can I tell him I’d like to take things more slowly. I don’t want to cut him lose but he’s moving a little fast.

    What’s the nicest, most encouraging thing I can say to him to get my message across without hurting his feelings or chasing him away–which I don’t want to do. I suppose just being honest about my feelings (in a nice way at the right time) would probably be the way to handle this. Just wondering what you think?

    Thanks from a big fan, Jessica

    Good question, Jess!  Your inuition is correct: tell him that you’d like to take things more slowly — y’know, as opposed to just thinking about telling him.  Communicate!

    For difficult conversations, I like to use the Praise Sandwich: start with praise; say what’s on your mind (usually less pleasant than praise); end with praise.  People tend to remember the first and last items in a list best (primacy and recency are the technical terms), so he’ll leave feeling good about the whole thing.  In the meantime, you deliver your message successfully.

    Also, in the letter it sounds like you’re blaming yourself for his ‘octopus’ behavior.  From here, it sounds like he did it, and it’s probably because he thinks you’re hot, which is a good thing.  Some day you’ll be 90yrs old and wrinkly and wish guys would make passes at you.  Resentment, guilt and anger would be (more…)

  • “Am I losing a good guy, or is it just my illusion?”

    I’ve decided to add a new feature to the blog: your letters!  Well, okay, I’ve been doing letters for a while.  But usually I would edit them down to their essence, extract one solid lesson from it, and present it to the world.

    Well, real life is messier than that, and your letters reflect that.  So henceforth I’m going to put up whole letters that you guys send me (identifying data removed), with my complete, unedited response.  ‘Cause y’know what?  I’ve got unlimited space on my blog!

    If you’ve got a good one, here are the guidelines:

    • Keep it short.  Just ’cause I’ve got room doesn’t mean you should go bananas.  Think about what’s going on before asking me, and distill it down to 100-200 words.  Bonus: it’ll give you clarity on your situation.
    • Tell me a little bit about who you are: age, location, work, educational background are useful for readers to relate to.  And if you want to remain anonymous, leave out identifying information like blood type and credit card number.
    • Make sure there’s a question in there.  If you say “I’d like your feedback”, I may just respond with “Wow.”
    • Remember that my expertise is in the dating and courtship aspect of things, not ongoing relationships.  For that, there are much better qualified experts who can attend to your needs.

    That said, here’s today’s letter (which you’ll see is too long by about 800 words):

    Dear dr Ali,

    I am a passionate reader of your tao of dating.

    Whether i am a good progressive student of your ideas? i do not know. I know i love your way of approaching relationships and i have been learning from you so much.  I decided to write to you because I need you perspective.  I feel confused, disoriented. I am not sure If i am losing a good guy or it is just my illusion.

    I have been in a relationship with Jonathan for 3 months. We met online and shortly after we met he wanted us to be exclusive. The relationship began in a beautiful way: great compatibility of our interests, easy to communicate. Great chemistry. I have noticed he definitely made more effort for this relationship to work. 3 weeks ago everything began to change. (more…)

  • The art and science of giving the most amazing gifts EVER

    Gifts rule.  They elevate the gift giver, strengthen the bond of friendship, stimulate the local economy – and hey, they can make the recipient happy, too!

    But what distinguishes the great gift from the merely commonplace?

    While contemplating a departure gift for a friend who hosted me for a week, I looked back on the best gifts I ever received to come up with this mini-manifesto of kickass gift giving.  Three principles emerged:

    • Positive evocation: The gift must evoke positive feeling through its mere presence – it has to smell, taste, look, sound or feel nice.
    • Mnemogenicity: The gift must remind you of the gift giver – regularly if possible.
    • Longevity: The gift must be the kind of thing that you keep for a long time.

    With these criteria in hand, why settle for a great gift when you can go for amazing?  Here are some of the best ones I’ve ever gotten.

    1. The extremely useful item of clothing

    Actual gift: Red flannel Polo pajama pants.

    These are the most comfortable pajama pants known to man.  Seduced by its soft, warm fuzziness, many a college student has relinquished his membership in civilized society by wearing them all day long – even to class.

    Why are these pajama pants an amazing gift?  Because they last, evoke positive feelings, and every time I wear them to bed (often!) they remind me of my amazing ex-girlfriend Francesca, and how decadent, warm, soft and fuzzy she was.  Wait, that was (more…)

  • How to handle 6 dating curves women will throw at you

    Ahh, the plight of  single men.  If we wish to consort with the fairer sex, it’s up to us to approach women, charm them, ask them out, take them out, pay for the entertainment, go for the kiss, try to get to the next base — and risk rejection at every step.  Every time you’re on a date, a cop might as well come up to you and say, “You have the right to screw up.  Everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of public opinion of your date’s girlfriends.” You should probably avoid girls named Miranda.

    At the same time, you have agency — you get to ask her out, instead of having to wait for the phone to ring.  This is a good deal.  With a little bit of caution and foresight, you can avoid these dating pitfalls and instead have a lot more fun and success in your love life.  Here’s what to watch out for.

    1. The postponed response, or the Almost Yes.

    You call her up on Monday to ask her out for Friday night.  She says, “That sounds great — let’s do it!  Except there’s this one thing at work I may have to go to that night, and I won’t know until Wednesday if I’m free Friday night.  Can I call you back on Wednesday or Thursday to let you know?”

    Ooh.  This has happened to many a man many a time.  And if she’s some elusive hottie you’re really into, it may seem like you’ve hit the jackpot.  She said yes, right?

    Wrong.  She said maybe.  Which basically means you (more…)

  • On amplifying your femininity

    Hi Dr. Ali, I just listened to your interview with Orna and Matthew Walters.  I’m currently separated from my husband and looking for ways to become a more ‘surrendered wife’ and totally sink into my femininity.  Do you have any books or resources you would recommend to help me with that?

    We have had the modern 50/50 type relationship and our polarity is totally flat lined.  We are both willing to put in the work and uncover our natural sexual essences (we’re reading David Deida’s book), and I’m just wanting to do my part to my best ability.

    I would greatly appreciate your input. Thank you! — Heather M.

    Y’know, it’s always a little awkward for me when women ask me for tips on how to be more feminine.  Gladly!  While we’re at it, let me teach some hawks how to fly better, and give some dolphins swimming tips.

    At the same time, I do know what I like, and I have noticed differences between a woman who is super-feminine and one who has not quite mastered that energy.

    So, for starters, I’m going to refer you to a book: The Sensuous Woman by J.  It’s written by a woman in her late 30s-early 40s, of average looks and figure by her own admission, who somehow has every man wrapped around her finger.  She does it by being deeply sensual — taking pleasure in the exercise of her 5 senses. Super-quick read.  If you can get past some of the dated references, there’s some gold in them thar pages.

    If you want to take it to the next level, get Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone.  This book treats the root cause instead of giving you Band-Aid solutions.  Watch the video of her I put up on the blog, and learn the technique.

    As for pointers from this here guy: start wearing more skirts and dresses if you aren’t already.  It’s funny how clothing can just snap you right into one state of mind vs another.  If you were wearing a suit at work, change into (more…)

  • An encounter with the Goddess

    “Well, hello!” she said with a million-candle smile that cut through the darkness of the bar.  Even in those three syllables, you could detect a hint of a European accent – several, actually.  She was about thirty, of medium build and height with shoulder-length blonde hair.  Good-looking but not discomfitingly so, wearing an olive-colored knee-high beige dress that was conservative but flattering to her figure.  If you saw her at the supermarket, you’d probably think she was a stylish professional lady, nice if not remarkable, and continue minding your own business.

    And you would be mistaken, because Victoria K. is one remarkable woman – probably the most charming woman I have ever met.  She was so powerful that, within 15 minutes of meeting her, I felt as if I would have given her anything she wanted, full Brahms CD collection included.

    What did she do to win me over so completely, in so little time?

    First, she was welcoming.  She gave me a big, warm hello, looking at me directly in the eye with a big smile on her face, even though she had never (more…)

  • Why the Pill may be secretly messing up your love life

    A year after the 50th anniversary of the Pill, it thrills me that the news of women’s progress keeps coming. As of 2008, 57% of college graduates are women, and 26% of wives now out-earn their husbands. It’s not farfetched to say the Pill has been instrumental in making it possible for women today to head major corporations, run the world’s #1 university, and lead its fourth-largest economic power.

    But have the overwhelming benefits of the Pill also harbored a subtle downside, especially when it comes to women’s love lives?

    One of the central tenets of Taoist philosophy is the complementarity of opposites. The principle manifests itself everywhere from elementary particle physics to human relations. Electrons balance protons. Sunlight creates shade. Yin balances yang. To every positive trait, there is a shadow. No coin can have only one side.

    In short, there is no unalloyed boon in the world. And the Pill may have been secretly messing with the love lives of smart, successful women for 50 years in at least three ways:

    1) The Pill may make you pick guys you normally wouldn’t be attracted to.

    In a 2003 paper, researcher Tony Little of St Andrew’s University and colleagues found that taking the Pill may be encouraging women to ‘have relationships with inappropriate men.’

    Are we talking about men who eat their steak with a salad fork or maybe something more serious?

    Let me explain. Women on the pill were (more…)

  • Seven things smart women should never do on a date

    I believe that smart, fabulous, successful, attractive women deserve fulfilling, deliriously happy love lives.  Sometimes, though, unintentional behaviors ruin our chances in courtship.

    In compiling this list, I’m speaking as an author who’s been on the receiving end of hundreds of guys’ letters on their dating woes — and a single guy who’s been on a bad date or two. So what I’m telling you here is straight from the horse’s mouth — if horses had graduate degrees and spoke in complete, remarkably coherent English sentences.

    Also note that the subject of this article was framed negatively to get your attention. Now that I have said attention, I will frame the items positively — things you should do. Tends to be even more useful.

    So, you’re ready? Here they come:

    1. Do everything in your power to keep the first date.

    So your guy met you at a party somewhere. He stuck his neck out and wrote the first email, made the first call, and set up the first date.

    Sure, you hit it off when you first met, and it was fun talking to him on the phone.  But right now, as the moment of truth draws near, you just feel like you need to cancel or postpone. Excuses to cancel seem to be cropping up by the minute.

    And you know what?  That’s normal.  The temptation to cancel the first date at the last minute is (more…)

  • Your responses to ‘Women’s Progress’

    The last post on the unexpected side effects of women’s progress evoked a vigorous response from you, my lovely readers.  Whenever I stir up some mud with one of these zingers and you guys write back, I get to find out how smart and savvy you ladies are.  Perhaps I should do this more often…

    I particularly appreciate all of your comments and suggestions, because at the same time that I am here to teach you something, I’m also here to learn.  I’ve never been a woman, so any time you give me feedback about how you really feel and how I can communicate better, that’s pure gold.

    Some of you gave me suggestions for new titles, one of which I incorporated.  Others told me how the message was basically sound, but the way it was conveyed rankled.  Duly noted; edits in progress.  Some of you even gently suggested ways of improving the writing.

    So — a big thank you to all my teachers.  Love you guys!

    As with most controversial ideas, this post met with responses ranging from the righteously indignant to the downright nice.  The proponent : detractor ratio was about 3:1.  Let’s start with this one:

    Wow. You do realize that you’ve just told every woman who reads your blog to go off the pill and leave her pregnancy risk in the hands of guy and a condom if she wants to be happily married one day? I am appalled.

    Appallled is a good start to shifting some timeworn ideas around.  Indifferent is deadly.  And then this one:

    You always seem to know exactly what I need to read when I need to read it! Thank you for your work. I really appreciate your ideas and your way of expressing yourself. You help a lot of people; of that, I’m sure.

    Apparently I was unaware of my oracular powers.  Should I move to Greece, or is that bad timing?  And another:

    Thank you for making me smile this am on the train into Essex. Ovaries not balls ha ha! You shed more light on the contraceptive pill, read an article once on how the pill may make women lose their attractive edge…polarity..magnetism…whatever you wanna call that while on the pill and the ’scent of kin’ rather than a sense of polarity to compliment each other makes sense to me. Thank you. Love from London town

    Essex!  Rhymes with… Wessex!  Can’t think of anything else it rhymes with.  I like this one:

    How then do you explain the many poor dating decisions that are made without being on the pill and the good ones that are made while on? I just don’t buy the pill argument. Mind over matter.

    Well, yes.  And it turns out that mind is also made of matter, which kinda matters if you give it mind.  And my favorite:

    Can I just tell you how happy I am that you wrote this piece? I think about this topic a lot. The way you research your articles and books is mind blowing (literally, and that’s a good thing). You back everything up, not with just anecdotal stories, but current scientific research and ancient wisdom that has stood up for centuries. Wow.

    I happen to believe the “progress” referred to in the title has been good and appropriate along the path to real balance, even with its attendant “dirty little secrets.” But as your points illustrate, we aren’t “there” yet with the women’s movement. Let’s assess where it stands today (because for sure we aren’t finished yet because we aren’t fulfilled yet) and we need to see the stuff we didn’t realize when we tried to BE a man in a misguided attempt to be valued equally to a man. Sure, we sooooo needed the progress that has been made so far, but now a slight correction might be the next step, and you describe so wonderfully well where we might begin to make those corrections. Maybe not everyone will give up the Pill, but it’s something to think about – I had no idea that it might have those effects on me. And #2 and #3 are no brainers for me.

    Fantastic article! Thanks!

    And thank you!

    So all of this made me wonder why I bother writing this stuff.  The simplest version is that I’m here to help you flourish.  Liberation and empowerment are a big part of that.

    So, keeping that in mind, let’s re-state the ideas from the last post into more generalized terms:

    1) Think hard about any systemic drug that you need to take indefinitely.  It is more likely to enslave you than empower you.

    Drugs can do a lot of good.  Had antibiotics existed, Beethoven, Schubert and John Keats would have lived even longer, more productive lives, and I would have had more cool symphonies, quartets and odes to enjoy.

    On the other hand, I’m not a fan of drugs you have to take forever just to be okay (with the notable exception of insulin and perhaps a couple of others).  Nobody has done a drug trial forever, and who knows what happens when you take a drug for 10, 20, 30 years.

    The pill’s been a boon to billions of women.  Where you used to writhe in agony, doubled over in pain for 8 days of the month, now it’s smooth sailing all the way. Better mood, better productivity, more peace of mind.

    I’m also saying that, like all good things, the pill is not 100% totally hunky-dory awesome in every way.  There are costs associated with using it which are measurable, quantifiable and undeniable.  You should know about them.

    You shouldn’t take my word for it — test if for yourself.  If you go off the pill for 3 months and your love life changes dramatically for the better, you’ve learned something new.  And if not, you can go to status quo ante bellum.

    2) The acquisition and exercise of certain skills can make you a more empowered, attractive and fulfilled person.

    Such skills are their own reward.  Cooking, massage, sexual know-how, playing the piano — all of these enrich your life and those around you.

    3) You’re more effective when you move from the center of your power.

    If you’re a tiger, you’re better on ground that in water.  If you’re a dolphin, you’re better in the water than on dry land.  If you’re a man, you’re more empowered centering yourself in masculine energy.  If you’re a woman, you’re stronger with feminine energy.  Use the home-court advantage.

    All the best

    AB

    Whenever I stir up some mud with one of these zingers and you guys write back, I get to find out how smart and savvy you ladies are.  Perhaps I should do this more often…

  • Three unexpected side effects of women’s progress

    Recently there’s been much encouraging news for the progress of womenfolk.  A study of US Census data* found that single women in their 20s living in New York City now out-earn their male counterparts by 17 percent.  Separately, Harvard Medical School has been admitting more women than men for some years now.  And all over the country, more women are earning college degrees than men.  Heck, women run companies, states, and even whole countries, as they should.

    This is certainly an improvement over the days when women were neither allowed to vote nor own property.  Empowerment of half the world’s population is a welcome trend, so hallelujah to that.

    But has there been a downside to this progress?

    One of the central tenets of Taoism is the principle of complementarity of opposites.  The principle manifests itself everywhere from elementary particle physics to human relations.  Electrons balance protons.  Sunlight creates shade.  Yin balances yang.  To every positive trait, there is a shadow side.  And every negative trait contains a hidden boon.  A coin cannot have only one side.

    Whatever force has brought about women’s progress — call it feminism, enlightenment, or simple economic imperative — has its shadow side.  In the case of the three things I’m going to tell you about, the downside is pretty high (more…)