What do you do when you see a dear friend headed for certain disaster? It’s a tough situation, trying to balance your concern for someone you love while still giving the friend his or her space.
Heck, I’ve been in that spot myself. What did I do? I wrote a thinly-disguised HuffPost article about it, that’s what I did. He got married anyway, and I think we’re still friends. But I digress. Here’s a great letter illustrating that point:
Hi Dr. Ali,
I am a big fan of your book and have recommended it to several of my friends. I had a question and was hoping to get your advice. One of my closest friends has been seeing someone who I feel he is a giant screaming neon red flag.I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she’s convinced he will change for her. He’s in his early thirties and has cheated on every relationship he has ever had. His marriage wasn’t going well and he started a relationship with his second girlfriend while still married. His ex before my friend apparently started dating him when he was still closing the book on the second girlfriend and my friend started seeing him while he was still dating the third girlfriend because he said things weren’t going well.
They didn’t officially start a relationship until she moved out (yes- he never ended the relationship, she did). They’ve been together for a little under two years with large periods of him being away for work for months at time in between and they just got engaged. They plan to get married in two months.
I am afraid she will be badly hurt in this process. I understand people have to make their own mistakes but am I misled? Is there a plausible explanation for his behavior? Or is his behavior a sign of a much bigger issue, and she needs to run away hard and fast? Thank you so much, Rhiannon
Rhiannon –
Wow, that’s a helluva story. Thanks for sharing.
Sounds like your friend is setting herself up for a high-speed crash into a wall. This is the most troubling sentence in the letter:
“I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she’s convinced he will change for her.”
Yipes. The probability of this boy changing his behavior and suddenly becoming an obedient boyfriend who’s not interesting in fooling around with other women is not 50%. It’s not 10%. It’s not even 1%. It is precisely ZERO.
Which means that, if what you say is true, there is a 100% likelihood that he’s going to cheat on her. And that, once they’re married, he’s going to get antsy again and leave the marriage. This dog ain’t learning new tricks; the old tricks are plenty sufficient.
In general, the idea that someone is going to change when in a relationship with you is a dangerous mixture of fantasy, naivete and blind egotism. Some woman out there volunteered to be Charlie Sheen’s 4001st girlfriend, thinking, “Oh, the other 4000 women were fools. I’m going to be the one who changes him with my loooove.” No, honey. You’re just fool #4001.
I know it’s hard for people to change behavior because I professionally help them change. So even when they’re super-determined to make a change — to the point of being willing to pay big bucks for it — it’s still hard to do. With this philandering fellow you’re describing, there is zero hope.
For the other ladies who are reading, the message is this: go for the guy who’s already a good fit for you.
As for what you can do — well, these situations are tough, because in the end, there’s not a whole lot you can do. People have to live out their own fates and learn through their own mistakes. That said, this is your friend, and if she were cutting her wrists or unknowingly eating rotten shark flesh, you’d stop her. This isn’t so far off.
Remember, talking sense to her is not going to work that well. That’s going to hit her at the level of the cerebral cortex, and that logical part of her brain went on vacation long ago when she met this guy. Right now, she’s operating at the level of the emotional brain, the limbic system. So you need to hit her with some powerful emotion. Here are some suggestions:
In the meantime, if you’re worried that this guy might be dangerous, read up on The Sociopath Next Door and The Sociopath Test and see if he fits the bill. If he does, it’s a much bigger red flag than you think. In any case, if you do something instead of nothing, at the very least you can rest easy knowing that you’ve done your part.
While I’ve been working on the release of my new book, Best Dating Advice I Ever Got 2, you have still been writing me and asking very intriguing questions. Here’s one:
“I just finished your book. Here’s my situation. I met the man of my dreams last year. He was in love and so was I with someone else. The second time he hugged me, I breathed him in and this overwhelming thought “I’m home” came over me. I’ve felt it ever since. We became best friends. He was treated like trash by his soulmate and a year later (more…)
Recently, I was walking by Thunderbolt Books, one of my favorite bookstores, and made the mistake of walking in. Why a mistake? Because I usually buy a new book when I’m there, and lord knows that I don’t need any more new books before I finish the 140 that are already in the queue, yeesh.
However, this one I could justify (totally!) because it’s a daybook — one short chapter per day. Piece o’ cake! Also, three different sources had recommended it to me, so I had to find out what the fuss was all about. I flipped through it and recognized instantly: it’s a keeper.
The entry I read today was particularly powerful, so I’d like to share with you some of the jewel-like lucidity of The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo:
January 20: Being Easily Pleased
One key to knowing joy is being easily pleased.
So many of us have been trained to think that being particular about what we want is indicative of good taste, and that not being satisfied unless our preferences are met is a sign of worldliness and sophistication. I remember being at a party where a woman wouldn’t accept her drink unless is was made with a certain brand of vermouth. She was, in fact, indignant about it. Or going to dinner with a colleague who had to have his steak prepared in a complex and special way, as if this particular need to be different was his special public signature. Or watching very intelligent men and women inscibe their circle of loneliness with criteria for compansionship that no one could meet. I used to maintain such a standard of excellence around the sort of art I found acceptable.
Often, this kind of discernment is seen as having high standards, when in actuality it is only a means of isolating ourselves from being touched by life, while rationalizing that we are more special than those who can’t meet our very demanding standards.
The devastating truth is that excellence can’t hold you in the night, and, as I learned when ill, being demanding or sophisticated won’t help you survive…
I’m going to buy me a stack of these and give them away to friends. So either become my friend, or go get thee thine own copy. I’ve been reading some great books recently, so more of these to come.
Best
Dr Ali B
Recently, some enterprising young ladies invited me to join their advice site called ChickRx and answer some questions. Who was I to resist? Here are two that I answered.
I am fiercely independent, but I would like a serious relationship. Guys just see me as a friend though, how can I change this? – H.
Hey there, H.
Before answering your question, I want you to do a mental exercise. Let’s say you know a guy. He’s good-looking, smart and competent. You could be interested in him, but every time you ask him to do something together, he says, “Okay, what do you want to do?” He’s fussy about his appearance, he can’t decide to save his life, and he always wants to share his feelings.
Question to you: How attractive do you find this hypothetical guy?
I’m guessing your answer is ‘not very.’ Because this is a man who’s in his feminine energy, and generally, women don’t find that attractive in a sheet-ripping kind of way.
If that makes sense to you, then it should also make sense that men feel the same way about a woman who is predominantly in her (more…)
In November of 2012, I gave a talk at the TEDx Financial District Women event. It was well-organized with many great speakers from whom I learned a bunch. Here’s my talk. As usual, I try to pack 3hrs of material in 18min — piece o’ cake. Some stuff I cover:
Many thanks to the fabulous women who made it happen — Michelle Fetsch, Gretchen Sweet, Valerie Taormina, Ilana Rieser, Stephanie Staidle, and all the others I’m going to hear about for not including on this list.
There are certain things I am good at. I cook a mean salmon. I can say “Gimme a beer” in Swedish and Chinese. I’m a passable ping pong player, and some say I’ve written a coherent sentence or two.
Marketing, however, is not my thing. Not even sure what it is, really. Sounds like one of those made-up words like moisturize that people started using just because others started saying it. But if it makes people laugh and helps them find something useful, I’m all for it.
So this is my first video designed for the sole purpose of making people laugh and helping them find something useful they may not have known about (sorta like a benevolent ad). The favor I ask you: if it elicits a smile, chuckle, or makes you laugh out loud (LOL!), please click the thumbs-up ‘Like’ on YouTube, and share it with friends (since it leads them to a free audiobook). ‘Cause it’s almost Valentine’s Day and lord knows everyone could use a laugh: http://youtu.be/yeYNYjgkaSQ
Enjoy
Dr Ali B
PS: The video doesn’t light your fire? Rubs you a non-exfoliating way? Doesn’t improve your free throw? Then tell me in the comments how you would make it even better. I’m all ears.
Ladies –
As promised, I recorded the workshop I gave on 5 Feb in San Francisco. I recorded it 3 separate ways, and 2 of them experienced technical failure. The following is the backup recording of the whole workshop, all 100 minutes. It’s not edited, because I just switched to a Mac from a PC and don’t know how to twiddle with stuff yet, so feel free to fast forward through the slow spots. Some topics I cover:
How to Be Irresistible: Love & Dating for Smart Women (right-click to download – 40 Mb mp3)
The following are two downloadable mp3s starting at the 50min mark of the talk — right about when I cover the topic of how to be irresistible. The first one is all lecture; the second is all Q&A.
[audio:http://taoofdating.com//wp-content/uploads/2013/02/BeIrresistible_DrAliBinazir_pt1.mp3|titles=BeIrresistible_DrAliBinazir_pt1]BeIrresistible_DrAliBinazir_pt1 (right-click to download)
[audio:http://taoofdating.com//wp-content/uploads/2013/02/BeIrresistible_DrAliBinazir_pt2.mp3|titles=BeIrresistible_DrAliBinazir_pt2]BeIrresistible_DrAliBinazir_pt2 (right-click to download)
Hope you find these useful, and feel free to send them on to friends if you feel they would benefit. Give me your feedback in the comments section so I know what works for you.
SCENE: At the office. As you arrive, you’re greeted by your best friend at work.
“Hey, good morning! Good to see you! You look great! Oh wow, are you having a bad hair day, though? Yeah, the frizzies get pretty crazy sometimes. You’ve heard about the Brazilian blowout, right? Just a couple of hundred bucks, and it totally straightens it out. For a month — then you have to go back. I’m pretty sure the industrial chemicals they use are safe. And while you’re already putting caustic substances on your scalp, might as well get some highlights, too. They make you look younger if you’re old, and older if you’re young. Or the other way around, I’m not sure.
“Come to think of it, I was looking at your forehead, and noticed that those wrinkles are getting kinda deep. Y’know, one shot of botox totally takes care of that for a few months. You won’t be able to raise your eyebrows, so your smile and other emotional expressions may be a little off. But who cares! You’ll look 3.5 years younger at least.
“Speaking of eyebrows — y’know, I noticed yours were looking a little bushy. Have you gotten them plucked and shaped recently? That’s pretty important. You totally want to get the perfect (more…)