Category: Dating for Women

  • Clooney’s Curse, Online Lying & the Dilemma of the Great Man

    Letter of the day:

    Dr Ali, love your work…thank you so much. I realize you probably get hundreds of emails, but I hope you can reply to me. Question: Met a great guy online — a gentleman, courteous, considerate. Except he obviously lied about his height by 5 or 6 inches. Is this a red flag? Thank you, Tracy

    Tracy – Thanks for the kind words! I actually don’t get hundreds of emails. I get hundreds of thousands of emails. Per hour.

    Many of them are trying to sell me walk-in tubs, which I hear are all the rage these days. There’s the occasional well-meaning gentleman from Nigeria who wants to deposit a few million dollars in my bank account out of the goodness of his heart, Canadian pharmacies that are very concerned about my love life, and a lot of ladies with Russian-sounding names who somehow know that I’m a cat person and want to show me their kitten – on a webcam, no less!

    The crazy thing is, they’re all total stangers! And yet, so generous. The outpouring of love online is just (more…)

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  • Mailbag: Can you make a messy guy tidy up?

    I’ve got some interesting letters that I’d like to share with you. First, a quick announcement: the next Tao LIVE will be happening in San Francisco on Tuesday, 10 June, 7-9pm. Format is 30-40min talk followed by Q&A. Topic of the day is The Tao of Bliss: How to Feel Great in Your Body All the Time. Click here to get tickets on Eventbrite. Come on down if you’re in town. I’ve only got room for 30 people in my living room, so get your ticket quick. Wine and chocolate included in the ticket price — I will happily bribe you if that’s what it takes for you to show up.

    And now, to the letters. First one is about a lady finding herself in the apartment of a great guy — except that the place is an unholy mess. How can she convey her discomfort without alienating him? (more…)

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  • The Jekyll/Hyde Power of Maybe, The 6-month Specialist & the Myth of Attracting Unavailable Men

    Big thanks to Meaghan, Colleen C, Amie and Monica (“BEST. BOOK. EVER.” – really?! I think I’m in love) for posting reviews to Amazon in the last week. The amount of compliments in there is enough to make me blush, and you know what? I’m learning how to be cool with it. Blushing is good for the skin. Here’s what Meaghan said:

    “I found so much joy from this book! It is labeled as a dating book, however I found that embedded in the info about dating were so many valuable life lessons that you can apply to everything you are pursuing in your life. I truly think every woman should have a copy. I have read it once and have started reading it again…and I plan on using it as a guidebook again and again.”

    Yes, you are all on to me, you clever little minxes. The Tao of Dating was never really meant as just a dating book. I not-so-secretly want you to make your whole life better! Heresy, I know.

    So I’m thrilled to report that (more…)

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  • “Am I pretty enough?” (VIDEO)

    This letter brings up one of the questions that every woman (and man) since the dawn of time has posed herself: Is she prettier than me? And if so, why should I even bother?

    Hi Sir, I’m wondering if you think that most men will cheat or be interested in a woman if she is prettier and if it’s futile to try and date knowing that once a guy sees someone more attractive he’s going to want to pursue her instead? Even working on my self-esteem isn’t helping me in this area. Sincerely, Marisa

    Well, Marisa, I’m experimenting with this newfangled internet thing, so I’ve decided to give you a video response. Exciting! Also, a reminder that I’ll be talking about all this stuff in glorious detail at The Tao of Dating LIVE in San Francisco, 20 May 2014, 7-9pm. Sign up here. And here’s the video: BlogLetter1_0515014 

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    Categories: Dating for Women
  • Mailbag: What to talk about on a date + dealing with long distance relationships

    There have been some very interesting letters coming in the inbox recently — keep ’em coming. I’ve got two of them for you right now, and the theme they share is communication. One is about what to talk about when on a date; the other is about long-distance relationships. But before I get into either of those, I’d like to announce:

    • The Tao of Dating LIVE, Tuesday 20 May 2014, 7-9pm, San Francisco, CA: 
    • Ladies: How to Let More Love In
    • Purchase tickets at Eventbrite
    • We will mingle, sip wine & nibble on chocolate (included in ticket price). I will talk for 30-40min. Then I will field your questions for the rest of the time — all of them. Bring it on!

    And now, to the letters: (more…)

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  • On International Women’s Day: A thought, and 2 gifts to you

    I’m writing to you on a rainy morning in between meetings here in Austin as I attend the ever-lively SXSW Interactive Festival, so this will be brief. At first I was a little ambivalent about writing to you on International Women’s Day. Why? Because every day is Intergalactic Women’s Day, that’s why (kinda like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas — you catch my drift).

    However, recently I was reading a remarkable book — the next in the Dr Ali Book Club, incidentally — called The Great Work of Your Life: A Guide for the Journey of Your True Calling, by Stephen Cope. One of the great humans profiled in the book is Susan B. Anthony, the leader of the women’s suffrage movement here in the U.S. In it, there was a stark reminder of what it was like to be a woman in this great country not so long ago:

    The extent of women’s disempowerment during that era— their almost total subjugation to men— is hard for us to wrap our heads around. Women living in America in the mid-1800s were the legal property of their husbands. A married woman had no right to property, no right to buy and sell real estate in her own name, no right to bequeath any property whatsoever to an heir. A married woman of the time had no right even to her own children. And, needless to say, she had no right to the vote.

    As a result of her impoverished legal standing, a woman of that time lived in almost complete economic dependence upon her husband— or if she were “unfortunate” enough not to have a husband, upon her family. There were few roles for women outside the home. There was no social sphere in which women could come together to think and plan and dream on their own behalf. Indeed, outside the home women had very little independent existence whatsoever.

    As someone who instinctively flinches at gross injustice, I am thrilled to be living in a time when not only women can vote, but are coming to run the show more and more. As far as I’m concerned, all men are half woman (that would be the X chromosome), embryos start as female and then get hit by hormones that make them male (hence the vesitigial features on guys like nipples), and everyone comes out of a woman’s belly. Honoring women is not some special mode of thought requiring an -ism at the end; it’s just common sense.

    So, in honor of Common Sense Day, I’ve got a couple of things for you and/or your friends:

    1) I’m having two Kindle free days for my ebook Best Dating Advice I Ever Got 2 tomorrow Sun 3/9-Mon 3/10. Get it here if you haven’t already and tell a friend or twelve. Posting on your Facebook feed or tweeting it out to spread the love is always appreciated: mybook.to/bda2

    2) I wrote “At the Swing of Midnight” to women everywhere; some of you may have seen it before. Feel free to share it with friends (with attribution, please). It’s a good birthday poem, but good on the other 364 days of the year, too:

    At the Swing of Midnight

    At the swing of midnight, on the day you were born,
    Three lightning bolts came together.
    The first, sinuous and long, said, “I shall make her graceful.”
    The second, jagged and strong, said, “I shall give her a mind
    That cuts into darkness like diamond.”
    The third, bright as a sun, said, “I shall give her radiance
    That warms and brightens all those around her.”

    As the three lightning bolts descended on the newborn,
    Lightning-fast,
    A fourth came along, so spectral and pale as to go unseen,
    And whispered: “I shall make her forget.”

    And so she walked the earth, oblivious to her gifts,
    Save when staring into a newborn’s endless eyes
    Or hearing a strain of music so pregnant with yearning
    As to have the weight of truth,
    Or when a dusty pilgrim would arrive from far away
    And cry, “Ave!,” with wild eyes that could see
    The goddess for the human that she was.
    — Ali Binazir

    That’s all, ladies. Gotta run!

    Go forth and conquer

    Dr Ali

     

     

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    Categories: Dating for Women
  • How not to deal with a stalker: First story from “The Big Book of Bad Boyfriends”

    Many of you have expressed interest in contributing to the book project that I launched recently. In fact, some of you have already sent in stories! And they’re great!

    It’s the first time I’m doing a project like this, so nobody knows how it’s going to turn out. However, I am finding the idea of women offering love advice to women quite compelling. There are thousands of lifetimes of experience amongst you ladies, and it is well worth mining. I have a secret plan to turn all of you into professional writers, so I’m paying $40 for every story that gets published and $20 for every published story that you refer to me from someone else. Send ’em! Check out the submission guidelines here and then give it your best shot.

    Part of the usefulness of these stories is to consider how you would have done things differently had you known better. This contribution from our good friend Rosie (of the epic email exchange) covers a lot of ground. Very curious to hear your thoughts in the comments section:

    “My first boyfriend and I had only been dating for the summer when the day after I moved into my dorm for my sophomore year, he dumped me out of the blue. Apparently I said “I love you” (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Women
  • Wanted: Your relationship war stories, ladies — call for submissions

    As many of you know, I wrote The Tao of Dating for Women because I saw so many lovely and amazing friends who were in pain — either because they were lonely or with the wrong man. I was majorly stuck finishing it, until I heard about my super-sweet friend Holly who had a live-in unemployed boyfriend Roger whom she supported… who was beating her up for 18 months.

    That was TOTALLY NOT COOL. Properly motivated, I finished the book in a couple of weeks.

    And yet, over the next five years, much to my chagrin, all bad dating-related things in the world did not come to an abrupt end. What?!

    Now I know that experience is a great teacher. But I believe that sometimes it’s better to learn from other people’s experiences than to have your own — especially if those experiences are of the driving-car-off-cliff variety. Someone else did it, you saw the car go in flames, and now you don’t have to do it yourself! Hooray!

    Moreover, scientists show that social learning is the most powerful way of learning there is. Short of watching someone do something right in front of you, stories are very powerful. You hear someone else’s story, and the lesson sinks in.

    So I’m thinking if some sweet  reads these stories, maybe she’ll be more savvy about not getting into relationships with the wrong people, at the wrong time, or with the wrong ideas. Maybe she’ll know to recognize the signs that someone’s not going to be a good match for her. Maybe she’ll reconsider before committing to a disastrous marriage. Or never let the abusive boyfriend into her life in the first place, because she could spot the telltale signs. Or avoid the bad boy who’ll break her heart in devastating fashion. Or stay clear of the sociopath that was going to take advantage of her resources.

    If we can help even one Holly stay out or get out of a relationship with a Roger, I will consider the whole project worthwhile.

    The good news: YOU can help. By sharing your story. Then other women can benefit and maybe not have to go through the full, um, learning process that you experienced.

    Your stories should be under 1200 words. As a token of appreciation, I’ll be compensating you for your efforts if your piece is selected for the final book (this ain’t Random House, so think enough for a dinner, not a mansion). It’s best if you can make it lighthearted – a tragedy in retrospect has license to be comedy.

    If you’re interested in the full submission guidelines, send an email to guidelines[at]taoofdating dot com with “I want to contribute my story!” in the subject line. Deadline for submission is March 21, though I have a feeling most of you won’t need that much time to tell the tale. I’m on a secret mission to turn you all into professional writers, so I’m offering $40 per story published in the book and $20 for each referral that results in a published story.

    Once you have a story, send it to story[at]taoofdating dot com with “(Your name)’s War Story” in the subject line. Alternatively, you may call in the story at +1 213 444 6826 via voicemail. Leave your email in the voicemail, and if your story’s a fit, we’ll be in touch.

    Get writing and get sharing,

    Dr Ali

    PS: If you don’t have a story but know someone who does, please feel free to forward this email to her. I’m going to need all the help I can get.

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    Categories: Dating for Women
  • Mailbag: On dating an alcoholic Buddhist, happy beginnings, and how online dating is like crack

    So it looks like some of you have been going out on dates! Fabulous news. Let’s see what’s going on:

    “Hi Dr Ali — I got divorced last year. Had been married for 8 years. We were not a match. Met a man 5 months ago. Beautiful soul. Strong connection. He adores me. I am very attracted.

    He is the most mature man I’ve ever met. Open and loves to discuss everything. He has been very successful professionally and we understand each other well – both from the same industry. He is proud of my success (my ex was very resentful). He says repeatedly that I have the power to make him a better man.

    Sadly, he has had a lot of pain in his life and found (temporary) relief in alcohol etc. When he hit rock bottom a few years ago, he discovered Buddhism. Hasn’t had a drink in years, but it’s not easy. Buddhism is now a big part of his life. He practices. Spends 1 week every 6 months in a monastery and some weekends away.

    Reason I’m writing you is: (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Women
  • How to Love Yourself: A Mini-Manual

    A great question from Marcia, of the epic email exchange from not so long ago:

    “So my question is, how do you love yourself, what does it mean to love yourself and what are the things that you can really do and practice to love yourself. I am interested to know your personal opinion on what loving yourself truly means. I really respect your work and I believe what you have to share is important and that is why I am reaching out to you. I look forward to your reply.  Many thanks and much love and light, Marcia

    Hmm… you ask what it means to love oneself and how to do it, as simply as you would ask for a puff pastry at the bakery. No sweat!

    I’d like to bring to your attention that you also have an answer, and that your answer as good as mine. More on that later. But instead of trafficking in semantics, I’d like to dive directly into things you can do to make yourself feel better. We start with the simple and go to the more advanced: (more…)

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  • Three hidden reasons smart, professional women inadvertently stay single

    Francesca and Grace are two of my friends here in San Francisco who also happen to run Spark, a philanthropic network founded by women to help the lives of women worldwide. At a recent Spark cocktail party, even amongst the crowd of educated, stylish, philanthropically inclined professional women, Francesca and Grace stood out. Not only are they super-smart, ultra-stylish, crazy sweet and supremely capable thirtysomethings, but they are also serious babes. So it surprised me when both of them, at different parts of the evening, basically said, “Hey buddy. You’re supposed to have the answers. So tell me: Why am I still single?”

    Well, by all the laws of physics, trigonometry and common sense, these fabulous ladies should have equally fabulous companions. Realizing this, I did what any wise man would do: (more…)

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  • On New Year’s Resolutions and Dr Ali’s Book Club

    A few days ago was the first day of the Gregorian calendar, January 1.

    In the countries that use that calendar, the night before January 1 is a festive time. People dress up, ingest large amounts of food and alcohol with friends, and angle to lip-lock with someone at the clang of midnight. They make a big deal of it.

    In the meantime, most of the world (more…)

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