Category: Dating for Men

  • For a great time, keep these two body parts open

    Recently I came back from a stay in Europe, where several of my friends were generous enough to host me. As an extra perk of these visits, I got to know these friends a lot better.

    After hearing the stories of their romantic woes, I realized that to have a fulfilling love life, there are two body parts that you need to be sure to keep open. No, it’s not the right leg and left leg, although those are important, too. It’s your eyes and your heart.

    What do I mean by keeping your eyes open? It means that you exercise discernment. You’re looking closely to see if this person would make a good match for you. Is she sweet? Is he gainfully employed? Educated? Good family? Mentally stable? In good health? If you’re interested in a long-term match, these factors really matter when selecting a partner.

    At the same time, you want to keep your (more…)

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  • The book reviewer vs the autograph-seeker: the secret to consistent success with women

    I like books. A lot. So I go to book readings whenever a good one pops up in the neighborhood.

    Now book signings have straightforward protocols. You find a seat. You listen to the author talk about his book. Then you buy a copy, stand in line, and get 14.8 seconds with the author while he scrawls your name in there – make sure you have the yellow sticky note lest ‘Ali’ become ‘Holly’ – and autographs it.

    Considering how authors create some of the longest-lasting artifacts of a culture, hey, they deserve to have groupies. And it’s fun to be a little starstruck by Michael Chabon, James Watson or Oliver Sacks. And it’s not like these people get recognized on the street, so it must be fun for them to feel like a celebrity for a half hour, until they walk out of Barnes & Noble bookstore back into relative anonymity.

    But let’s make things clear here: when you’re the autograph-seeker, you’re in the position of the (more…)

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  • Accessing your own bottomless well of beauty: a personal account

    A couple of weeks ago, I attended a yoga festival conveniently located right down the street from me in Santa Monica. On the first day of this Tadasana Festival, the co-founder (and yoga instructor) Tommy Rosen was conducting a provocatively titled class – Getting High: Yoga and the Infinite Pharmacy Within.

    Well then. Lord knows this happiness engineer isn’t one to pass up a non-pharmacological psychedelic experience, so I was in, baby. What transpired was novel, literally electrifying, completely unexpected, and potentially transformative.

    In my 12 years of yoga practice, I had never experienced (more…)

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  • Six Dangers of Online Dating

    Let it be known: I am not a big fan of online dating.  Yes, at least one of my best friends found her fabulous fiancé online.  And if you live in a small town, or fit a specific demographic (e.g. woman over 45, ultra-busy businessperson, sugar daddy, sneaking around your spouse), online dating may expand opportunities for you.  But for the rest of us, we’re much better off meeting real live humans eye-to-eye the way nature intended. Here are six reasons why:

    1. It’s easy to be fooled by inaccurate signals online.

    Do you think you’re beautiful?

    What most people call ‘beauty’ is actually evolution’s very thorough system of broadcasting our suitability as mates.  Clear skin, good posture, broad shoulders, sonorous voice, bright eyes, shiny hair, graceful movements, pleasant aroma, facial symmetry, articulate speech: evolution has engineered features such as these into us to signal (more…)

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  • How to be more charismatic: Interview with Olivia Fox Cabane, 26 March 2012

    Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: I have a special treat for you. My friend and colleague Olivia Fox Cabane, speaker and trainer to corporations (eg Google), universities (eg MIT and Harvard) and governments worldwide, is coming out on March 28 with her long-awaited new book, The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. It’s a manual on how to be even more charismatic (since all of you are already such charming devils, obviously).

    how to be more charismatic

    As a personal favor, I have wrangled her into giving us an interview on the key principles in her book. I’ll be doing the interview this Monday, 26 March 2012. Here’s the information:

    • Date: Monday, 26 March 2012, 6pm PDT/9pm EDT/2am London/6am Dubai/12 noon Sydney
    • Call-in number: +1 218 862 1300
    • Access code: 667202
    • Duration: 40min interview, 15min Q&A

    Why do you want to attend this call live? Because I’ve seen Olivia speak many times, and I can attest firsthand to the power of her teachings. Charisma can be learned, and quickly — and there aren’t a lot of people better at teaching it than Olivia. Now that she’s not jetting off to train some South American head of state and we have her all to ourselves, you definitely want to be on the call live so you can ask her your burning questions about how to present yourself even more effectively. Ideally, you would read the book beforehand so you can ask the deep questions that usually only the El Presidentes paying her megabucks get to ask.

    Some of what we’ll be covering:

    • Is charisma innate, learned or a little bit of both?
    • The three components of charisma and how to dial each one up or down to be like Colin Powell, Bill Gates or the Dalai Lama
    • Which type of charisma to use for a given situation
    • Three ways to increase your charisma pretty much instantly
    • Side effects and dangers (?) of charisma

    Here’s a little sampler from one of her talks on a related topic:

    There’s no charge for any of this, so feel free to spread the word and tell your friends about it — they’ll thank you for it.

    See you there and then

    Dr Ali B

    PS: It is now the day after the interview, which means it already happened – and now we have a recording. I was unexpectedly on the road away from my studio equipment, so the quality of my voice is so-so. But Olivia comes through great, and that’s who you wanted to listen to anyway, so here ya go:

    Interview with Olivia Fox Cabane on her new book ‘The Charisma Myth’

    Right-click to download full interview with Olivia Fox Cabane on The Charisma Myth (20mb, 55min)

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  • Should you date outside your tribe?

    Here’s an interesting letter I got yesterday which applies to both men and women:

    Hi Dr. Ali,

    I just bought and read your book on my kindle this weekend and as a Persian girl, born in America, was wondering how you think your principles would work with Persian men?  I am at a point where I am ready to settle down and it seems like all the Persian men just want to play around. I’m 28 and I see a lot of pretty, educated and single Persian girls over the age of 32.  I sit and wonder what they are doing wrong (how are they still single?) and then stress out that I will end up like them.

    The principles in your book make so much sense but it just seems like the Persian community has its own dating rules…what’s your take?  Forget the Persian men who play around and start dating guys from all backgrounds?  Thank you for your book, I look forward to implementing your advice. Looking forward to hearing from you — Mary M.

    Well well well. I really hope some of you are out fishing right now, because we’re about to open up a big can of worms here.  Let’s talk about dating within your tribe, and whether it’s a good idea or not.

    First, let’s think about where these tribes come from.  Until the 20th century, most people lived their entire (more…)

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  • The art and science of giving the most amazing gifts EVER

    Gifts rule.  They elevate the gift giver, strengthen the bond of friendship, stimulate the local economy – and hey, they can make the recipient happy, too!

    But what distinguishes the great gift from the merely commonplace?

    While contemplating a departure gift for a friend who hosted me for a week, I looked back on the best gifts I ever received to come up with this mini-manifesto of kickass gift giving.  Three principles emerged:

    • Positive evocation: The gift must evoke positive feeling through its mere presence – it has to smell, taste, look, sound or feel nice.
    • Mnemogenicity: The gift must remind you of the gift giver – regularly if possible.
    • Longevity: The gift must be the kind of thing that you keep for a long time.

    With these criteria in hand, why settle for a great gift when you can go for amazing?  Here are some of the best ones I’ve ever gotten.

    1. The extremely useful item of clothing

    Actual gift: Red flannel Polo pajama pants.

    These are the most comfortable pajama pants known to man.  Seduced by its soft, warm fuzziness, many a college student has relinquished his membership in civilized society by wearing them all day long – even to class.

    Why are these pajama pants an amazing gift?  Because they last, evoke positive feelings, and every time I wear them to bed (often!) they remind me of my amazing ex-girlfriend Francesca, and how decadent, warm, soft and fuzzy she was.  Wait, that was (more…)

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  • How to handle 6 dating curves women will throw at you

    Ahh, the plight of  single men.  If we wish to consort with the fairer sex, it’s up to us to approach women, charm them, ask them out, take them out, pay for the entertainment, go for the kiss, try to get to the next base — and risk rejection at every step.  Every time you’re on a date, a cop might as well come up to you and say, “You have the right to screw up.  Everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of public opinion of your date’s girlfriends.” You should probably avoid girls named Miranda.

    At the same time, you have agency — you get to ask her out, instead of having to wait for the phone to ring.  This is a good deal.  With a little bit of caution and foresight, you can avoid these dating pitfalls and instead have a lot more fun and success in your love life.  Here’s what to watch out for.

    1. The postponed response, or the Almost Yes.

    You call her up on Monday to ask her out for Friday night.  She says, “That sounds great — let’s do it!  Except there’s this one thing at work I may have to go to that night, and I won’t know until Wednesday if I’m free Friday night.  Can I call you back on Wednesday or Thursday to let you know?”

    Ooh.  This has happened to many a man many a time.  And if she’s some elusive hottie you’re really into, it may seem like you’ve hit the jackpot.  She said yes, right?

    Wrong.  She said maybe.  Which basically means you (more…)

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  • The biggest dating mistake men make?

    Have you ever been to a greyhound track?

    Once on a bachelor party in Daytona Beach — I will never forgive Johnny N. for picking that armpit of the universe for such a hallowed occasion — we went to the track for a little hangover therapy.  It was a fruitful expedition — not the least because in my few hours there, I developed some foolproof mathematical theories for dog-betting, namely P Theory.  It basically went like this: if a dog stops, lifts its leg and takes a whizz on the way to the start line, you should bet on him.  Why?  Because he just made himself a half pound lighter than all the other greyhounds, that’s why.  And if E=(1/2)mV², then at a constant E, a lower m (mass = total amount of greyhound = slightly less after a P, hence name of theory) you get a higher V — velocity = speed = winning!

    This trenchant insight netted me the princely sum of $5.35, which I then proceeded to blow on Bud Lite, which, albeit refreshing, did not win its race.

    But I digress — let’s get back to the dogtrack.  They get in their starting pens, and with the pistol — bang! — they’re off.  They’re running like their lives depend on it, chasing the rabbit.

    Except that it’s not really a rabbit.  It’s this mangy, grey, torn-up rabbit puppet that’s been stuck on a stick just in front of the doggies so they have something to trigger their chase that wascally wabbit instincts.  And if they were to actually catch up with it — man are they going to be disappointed.

    So why am I telling you this story?  Well, let’s think about the last time you saw a girl you liked at a party.  Your (more…)

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  • How to get back the one that got away (AUDIO)

    I got a great letter recently asking about how to get back the one that got away:

    Dr. Ali –

    Writing a thank you note after reading a self-help book (in one sitting) isn’t usually my style, but in the spirit of gratitude and non-attachment, I wanted to thank you for The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible. I loved the references to some of my go-to books for wisdom – The Four Agreements (and my personal favorite agreement: take nothing personally) and Gottman’s work in particular. That you read and reference Gottman in particular lends a lot of credibility, beyond just the “oh yeah. I knew that, I just forgot it” passages. I very much needed the reminder of everything you put down and I’ve filled in the margins with my own notes.

    My lingering question has to do with recovery… I met someone and had a an amazing first date. Wasn’t clear on what I wanted, slept with him too soon, threw all my reserve out the window, and ended up coming across as needy, which isn’t my usual posture. As much as I’m sure it threw him (I haven’t heard from him since), it threw me twice as hard. Long story short, he didn’t see me at my best. Now that I’ve got my philosophy back, I would like a do-over. Is such a thing possible? If it is, will you either 1) give me a quick rundown on how to see him again – I can handle it once I’ve got a real human to work with rather than stupid texting – or 2) include the above information in the next edition of the book?

    Thanks again for the book. It was absolutely what I needed.



    And this is what I said.  Even though the letter was written by a woman, the principles are about being human.  Since guys are also human, it applies to us smelly brutes as well.  Right-click to download:

    HowToGetThemBack_DrAliBinazir.mp3 (7.5min)

    What are your thoughts?



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