Category: Dating for Men

  • Accessing your own bottomless well of beauty: a personal account

    A couple of weeks ago, I attended a yoga festival conveniently located right down the street from me in Santa Monica. On the first day of this Tadasana Festival, the co-founder (and yoga instructor) Tommy Rosen was conducting a provocatively titled class – Getting High: Yoga and the Infinite Pharmacy Within.

    Well then. Lord knows this happiness engineer isn’t one to pass up a non-pharmacological psychedelic experience, so I was in, baby. What transpired was novel, literally electrifying, completely unexpected, and potentially transformative.

    In my 12 years of yoga practice, I had never experienced (more…)

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  • Six Dangers of Online Dating

    Let it be known: I am not a big fan of online dating.  Yes, at least one of my best friends found her fabulous fiancé online.  And if you live in a small town, or fit a specific demographic (e.g. woman over 45, ultra-busy businessperson, sugar daddy, sneaking around your spouse), online dating may expand opportunities for you.  But for the rest of us, we’re much better off meeting real live humans eye-to-eye the way nature intended. Here are six reasons why:

    1. It’s easy to be fooled by inaccurate signals online.

    Do you think you’re beautiful?

    What most people call ‘beauty’ is actually evolution’s very thorough system of broadcasting our suitability as mates.  Clear skin, good posture, broad shoulders, sonorous voice, bright eyes, shiny hair, graceful movements, pleasant aroma, facial symmetry, articulate speech: evolution has engineered features such as these into us to signal (more…)

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  • How to be more charismatic: Interview with Olivia Fox Cabane, 26 March 2012

    Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: I have a special treat for you. My friend and colleague Olivia Fox Cabane, speaker and trainer to corporations (eg Google), universities (eg MIT and Harvard) and governments worldwide, is coming out on March 28 with her long-awaited new book, The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. It’s a manual on how to be even more charismatic (since all of you are already such charming devils, obviously).

    how to be more charismatic

    As a personal favor, I have wrangled her into giving us an interview on the key principles in her book. I’ll be doing the interview this Monday, 26 March 2012. Here’s the information:

    • Date: Monday, 26 March 2012, 6pm PDT/9pm EDT/2am London/6am Dubai/12 noon Sydney
    • Call-in number: +1 218 862 1300
    • Access code: 667202
    • Duration: 40min interview, 15min Q&A

    Why do you want to attend this call live? Because I’ve seen Olivia speak many times, and I can attest firsthand to the power of her teachings. Charisma can be learned, and quickly — and there aren’t a lot of people better at teaching it than Olivia. Now that she’s not jetting off to train some South American head of state and we have her all to ourselves, you definitely want to be on the call live so you can ask her your burning questions about how to present yourself even more effectively. Ideally, you would read the book beforehand so you can ask the deep questions that usually only the El Presidentes paying her megabucks get to ask.

    Some of what we’ll be covering:

    • Is charisma innate, learned or a little bit of both?
    • The three components of charisma and how to dial each one up or down to be like Colin Powell, Bill Gates or the Dalai Lama
    • Which type of charisma to use for a given situation
    • Three ways to increase your charisma pretty much instantly
    • Side effects and dangers (?) of charisma

    Here’s a little sampler from one of her talks on a related topic:

    There’s no charge for any of this, so feel free to spread the word and tell your friends about it — they’ll thank you for it.

    See you there and then

    Dr Ali B

    PS: It is now the day after the interview, which means it already happened – and now we have a recording. I was unexpectedly on the road away from my studio equipment, so the quality of my voice is so-so. But Olivia comes through great, and that’s who you wanted to listen to anyway, so here ya go:

    Interview with Olivia Fox Cabane on her new book ‘The Charisma Myth’

    Right-click to download full interview with Olivia Fox Cabane on The Charisma Myth (20mb, 55min)

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  • Should you date outside your tribe?

    Here’s an interesting letter I got yesterday which applies to both men and women:

    Hi Dr. Ali,

    I just bought and read your book on my kindle this weekend and as a Persian girl, born in America, was wondering how you think your principles would work with Persian men?  I am at a point where I am ready to settle down and it seems like all the Persian men just want to play around. I’m 28 and I see a lot of pretty, educated and single Persian girls over the age of 32.  I sit and wonder what they are doing wrong (how are they still single?) and then stress out that I will end up like them.

    The principles in your book make so much sense but it just seems like the Persian community has its own dating rules…what’s your take?  Forget the Persian men who play around and start dating guys from all backgrounds?  Thank you for your book, I look forward to implementing your advice. Looking forward to hearing from you — Mary M.

    Well well well. I really hope some of you are out fishing right now, because we’re about to open up a big can of worms here.  Let’s talk about dating within your tribe, and whether it’s a good idea or not.

    First, let’s think about where these tribes come from.  Until the 20th century, most people lived their entire (more…)

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  • The art and science of giving the most amazing gifts EVER

    Gifts rule.  They elevate the gift giver, strengthen the bond of friendship, stimulate the local economy – and hey, they can make the recipient happy, too!

    But what distinguishes the great gift from the merely commonplace?

    While contemplating a departure gift for a friend who hosted me for a week, I looked back on the best gifts I ever received to come up with this mini-manifesto of kickass gift giving.  Three principles emerged:

    • Positive evocation: The gift must evoke positive feeling through its mere presence – it has to smell, taste, look, sound or feel nice.
    • Mnemogenicity: The gift must remind you of the gift giver – regularly if possible.
    • Longevity: The gift must be the kind of thing that you keep for a long time.

    With these criteria in hand, why settle for a great gift when you can go for amazing?  Here are some of the best ones I’ve ever gotten.

    1. The extremely useful item of clothing

    Actual gift: Red flannel Polo pajama pants.

    These are the most comfortable pajama pants known to man.  Seduced by its soft, warm fuzziness, many a college student has relinquished his membership in civilized society by wearing them all day long – even to class.

    Why are these pajama pants an amazing gift?  Because they last, evoke positive feelings, and every time I wear them to bed (often!) they remind me of my amazing ex-girlfriend Francesca, and how decadent, warm, soft and fuzzy she was.  Wait, that was (more…)

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  • How to handle 6 dating curves women will throw at you

    Ahh, the plight of  single men.  If we wish to consort with the fairer sex, it’s up to us to approach women, charm them, ask them out, take them out, pay for the entertainment, go for the kiss, try to get to the next base — and risk rejection at every step.  Every time you’re on a date, a cop might as well come up to you and say, “You have the right to screw up.  Everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of public opinion of your date’s girlfriends.” You should probably avoid girls named Miranda.

    At the same time, you have agency — you get to ask her out, instead of having to wait for the phone to ring.  This is a good deal.  With a little bit of caution and foresight, you can avoid these dating pitfalls and instead have a lot more fun and success in your love life.  Here’s what to watch out for.

    1. The postponed response, or the Almost Yes.

    You call her up on Monday to ask her out for Friday night.  She says, “That sounds great — let’s do it!  Except there’s this one thing at work I may have to go to that night, and I won’t know until Wednesday if I’m free Friday night.  Can I call you back on Wednesday or Thursday to let you know?”

    Ooh.  This has happened to many a man many a time.  And if she’s some elusive hottie you’re really into, it may seem like you’ve hit the jackpot.  She said yes, right?

    Wrong.  She said maybe.  Which basically means you (more…)

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  • The biggest dating mistake men make?

    Have you ever been to a greyhound track?

    Once on a bachelor party in Daytona Beach — I will never forgive Johnny N. for picking that armpit of the universe for such a hallowed occasion — we went to the track for a little hangover therapy.  It was a fruitful expedition — not the least because in my few hours there, I developed some foolproof mathematical theories for dog-betting, namely P Theory.  It basically went like this: if a dog stops, lifts its leg and takes a whizz on the way to the start line, you should bet on him.  Why?  Because he just made himself a half pound lighter than all the other greyhounds, that’s why.  And if E=(1/2)mV², then at a constant E, a lower m (mass = total amount of greyhound = slightly less after a P, hence name of theory) you get a higher V — velocity = speed = winning!

    This trenchant insight netted me the princely sum of $5.35, which I then proceeded to blow on Bud Lite, which, albeit refreshing, did not win its race.

    But I digress — let’s get back to the dogtrack.  They get in their starting pens, and with the pistol — bang! — they’re off.  They’re running like their lives depend on it, chasing the rabbit.

    Except that it’s not really a rabbit.  It’s this mangy, grey, torn-up rabbit puppet that’s been stuck on a stick just in front of the doggies so they have something to trigger their chase that wascally wabbit instincts.  And if they were to actually catch up with it — man are they going to be disappointed.

    So why am I telling you this story?  Well, let’s think about the last time you saw a girl you liked at a party.  Your (more…)

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  • How to get back the one that got away (AUDIO)

    I got a great letter recently asking about how to get back the one that got away:

    Dr. Ali –

    Writing a thank you note after reading a self-help book (in one sitting) isn’t usually my style, but in the spirit of gratitude and non-attachment, I wanted to thank you for The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible. I loved the references to some of my go-to books for wisdom – The Four Agreements (and my personal favorite agreement: take nothing personally) and Gottman’s work in particular. That you read and reference Gottman in particular lends a lot of credibility, beyond just the “oh yeah. I knew that, I just forgot it” passages. I very much needed the reminder of everything you put down and I’ve filled in the margins with my own notes.

    My lingering question has to do with recovery… I met someone and had a an amazing first date. Wasn’t clear on what I wanted, slept with him too soon, threw all my reserve out the window, and ended up coming across as needy, which isn’t my usual posture. As much as I’m sure it threw him (I haven’t heard from him since), it threw me twice as hard. Long story short, he didn’t see me at my best. Now that I’ve got my philosophy back, I would like a do-over. Is such a thing possible? If it is, will you either 1) give me a quick rundown on how to see him again – I can handle it once I’ve got a real human to work with rather than stupid texting – or 2) include the above information in the next edition of the book?

    Thanks again for the book. It was absolutely what I needed.

    Sincerely,

    Andrea.

    And this is what I said.  Even though the letter was written by a woman, the principles are about being human.  Since guys are also human, it applies to us smelly brutes as well.  Right-click to download:

    HowToGetThemBack_DrAliBinazir.mp3 (7.5min)

    What are your thoughts?

    Best

    AB

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  • Sexual dynamics in the 21st century

    This insightful article popped up on Slate last week.  Worth a read:

    Sex Is Cheap

    Why young men have the upper hand in bed, even when they’re failing in life.

    By Mark Regnerus, Posted Friday, Feb. 25, 2011, at 12:23 PM ET

    We keep hearing that young men are failing to adapt to contemporary life. Their financial prospects are impaired—earnings for 25- to 34-year-old men have fallen by 20 percent since 1971. Their college enrollment numbers trail women’s: Only 43 percent of American undergraduates today are men. Last year, women made up the majority of the work force for the first time. And yet there is one area in which men are very much in charge: premarital heterosexual relationships. Continue here

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  • Before you propose: a checklist for men

    Another fine letter from enthusiastic reader Tom S:

    Does the most sage dating Guru of gurus have advice for how my friend might propose marriage? What should he say and do? How will he know when it’s time to propose? What should he wear? It’s only the 10th century BCE here in Arabia and religion hasn’t been invented yet, and there are no scrolls from Gilgamesh addressing this topic. We will be most grateful, even willing to sacrifice a camel or two in your honor.

    Y’know, it’s been a while since I last had a proper camel sacrifice.  It’s a lost art, really.  A little messy, granted, but there’s really nothing quite like broiled Bactrian hump.  And it makes the orphans at the caravansarai so happy.

    What’s this now?  Proposing marriage, eh.  Sounds mighty serious.

    And you know what?  It is serious.  The biggest decision you’ve ever made in your life.  Even bigger than deciding between steak and seafood, corduroys and jeans, Coachella and Bonaroo, Audi and BMW.

    Basically, you’re pledging to tie yourself to another person forever.  And forever is a pretty freakin’ long time.

    Generally speaking, I do my best not to dispense advice too far beyond the courtship phase.  I’m just here to help give you the problem — err, I mean relationship.  Once you have it, you’re better off listening to scientists like John Gottman who really know what happens on that planet.  The Tao of Dating books are 12 chapters about courtship and one about relationship.  Moreover, I’ve never proposed to anyone, so far be it from me to instruct in that domain.

    That said, my job here is to help you make better decisions.  So when it comes to big-ticket decisions like this, you had better make sure you have all the safeguards in place so you don’t do something stupid — like marrying the girl who’s going to (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Men

  • How to stay out of the Friend Zone

    Sometimes you get a letter so damn eloquent that it just requires a substantive response.  This letter’s about the part in the ‘5 Biggest Dating Mistakes of College Men’ post about being exiled to the Friend Zone, aka Justfriendistan:

    Has the most mindful Dr. Ali, in his personal experience with humans of the female persuasion, ever been exiled to Justfriendistan despite intelligent jiu-jitsu reversa-visa framing?

    There was a turbaned woman on the outskirts of Medina with beauty to whip instant sandstorms with a lift of her eyebrow — hazel eyes simmering beneath her veil — and a rich man with many oil wells courted her using the official Dr. Ali (c) reversing-the-framing method. She ignored him. He’s quicksanded in Justfriendistan. Is there no hope? Is there no way out?

    — Tom S.

    Ah yes.  Justfriendistan.  A territory only to be rivaled in inhospitability by the western Sahara, the Atacama desert, and Dante’s Ninth Circle of Hell.  Heck, most guys would rather be on the surface of Mercury getting zapped by cosmic rays than being exiled to Justfriendistan.

    The best way to get out of Justfriendistan is to never get into it in the first place.  It’s a bit facile, I know — “Just don’t get into trouble, stoopid” — but a lot of things in life are like obesity: it’s just really tough to take care of the problem once you’re stuck in it.

    Tough — but not impossible.

    First, let’s talk prevention.  We start with my story. (more…)

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  • Dating Commandment for Men: Thou shalt not be put on hold

    Imagine this: You call a girl to say hi, and she says she has an extra ticket for a show that night — would you like to join her?  The show isn’t really your style — it involves showtunes, and you’re a heterosexual male — but you offer to meet her afterwards for drinks when the show gets out at 9.30pm.  She says sure — can she call you after the show to tell you how she feels, and if she’s not too tired, you can get together?

    You say “Okay.”

    Big mistake, buddy.  Why?  You just got put on hold.  You weren’t able to make any plans for your evening.  Would seem wrong to do something else while you’ve committed to her, right?  In the meantime, you’re waiting, waiting…

    At 10pm, not having heard from her, you text her to ask what’s up.  You get a text back saying “Show just got out — tired.  Think I’m going home.  Rain check?” And you’re left a-hangin’.

    What exactly went wrong here?

    She suggested that you two get together, so that’s good.  But then she didn’t make firm plans with you, effectively putting you in limbo until she renders her decision.

    People (both women and men) will do this all the time.  Especially in this age of mobile communications, everyone’s waiting for the best possible offer before committing to anything.  Heck, you probably do it, too.

    So the behavior itself is not a problem — it’s ubiquitous as smog in LA and bad hair in hipsters.  Your acceptance of this behavior is a problem.  Why?  Because it puts you in a position of  (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Men