Thanks for visiting! I’m eager to hear your thoughts on this tip, so please leave your comment below. The best ones become part of the next edition of “The Best Dating Advice I Ever Got.”
Thanks for visiting! I’m eager to hear your thoughts on this tip, so please leave your comment below. The best ones become part of the next edition of “The Best Dating Advice I Ever Got.”
Thanks for visiting! I’m eager to hear your thoughts on this tip, so please leave your comment below. The best ones become part of the next edition of “The Best Dating Advice I Ever Got.”
Thanks for visiting! I’m eager to hear your thoughts on this tip, so please leave your comment below. The best ones become part of the next edition of “The Best Dating Advice I Ever Got.”
Thanks for visiting! I’m eager to hear your thoughts on this tip, so please leave your comment below. The best ones become part of the next edition of “The Best Dating Advice I Ever Got.”
My friend Michelle is a beautiful, sophisticated and exceptionally intelligent woman of about 30 who lives in New York City. Because she’s so damn smart, she doesn’t find too many men who can go toe-to-toe with her. But every once in a while, a keeper comes along. That’s when she gets all excited, instantly loses her bearings and calls me in a state of endearing helplessness: “Ali – how do you make a man fall in love with you?”
Well, I’ve never made a man fall in love with me, so that’s not a recipe in my cookbook. However, I’ve fallen hard for women more than once. From those experiences and my forays into the scientific literature, I’ve come up with three ways that a man will fall in love with you. Straight out of The Tao of Dating, here they are:
1) The Natural Way.
Consciously or not, every man has a mental archetype of the woman he desires. Once in a blue moon, that woman waltzes into his sights. If that happens to be you, then hallelujah! Let the fireworks begin.
There isn’t much you can really do to engineer this kind of love. A man is attracted to a certain physique, face, hair, smell, cultural background, or any other number of elements of which even he himself is not fully aware. You could resemble his first girlfriend. You could be wearing that one perfume that drives him nuts (because his first girlfriend used to wear it). Whatever it is, this is the love that cannot be planned. If it happens, great. If not, read on.
2) The Devious Dastardly Way.
With enough determination, you can make any man fall in love with you, and the procedure is simpler than you think. To summarize in three words: (more…)
A letter of vast proportions and implications:
Hi Dr. Ali:
I love your blog and try and visit frequently. I would say that I love love love orchid ice cream for the first time (and I’m nearly 43)! I know that you deal with dating and not “relationships” per se, but I think that you’re the right person to ask because of the unique circumstances of this particular “relationship”…..About me: I left my husband of almost 10 years because I married someone to whom I was ONLY intellectually attracted. The “chemistry” (reptilian brain) and the emotional/friendship (mammalian brain) parts were not there (we did nothing fun together). After one year (of being divorced) I ran into someone (while I was working) and it was ELECTRIC. I have never been this (more…)
Hi Dr. Ali,
I have a quick question for you. My ex and I have dated on and off since my divorce, and each time he seems to find a way to break off the relationship, only to come back a couple of months later (sometimes sooner) and tell me how much he misses me. We have tried at least 5 times to make it work and it never does. Although, I have been with many other men who completely fall in love with me, I can’t seem to stop thinking about the first and every time he emails me I go back, and break the heart of who ever I am with. Anyway cut to the chase right! He has come back once again (the last time I broke it off saying I didn’t feel he was into the relationship, but he seemed perfectly fine with it), saying that he is completely in love with me and wants nothing more than to have a life with me. He is throwing in marriage, living together etc. So my question is – Is it possible that he has changed and this can truly work? Or is it just another ploy to see if he can get me back? Thank you for your advice. — Amanda
Amanda —
Hoo boy. I love questions like these. My quick answer to you, in the form of a story:
Imagine that you live in a big city with thousands of restaurants. There’s this one restaurant that used to be your absolute favorite. But you got sick once, and you stopped going. But then they sent you coupons and wanted you back, so you relented and went back. And got sick again. FIVE TIMES.
What would you call someone who kept on going back to that one restaurant to the exclusion of the thousands of others? And kept on getting sick?
There are millions of men out there whom you have never divorced nor broken up with. I say you give them a shot! I don’t know your ex, but from here it sounds like that experiment has run its course, and he’s a narcissist bent on making sure you don’t get together with a guy who actually makes you happy.
Your ex may not necessarily be a horrible person, mind you. It’s just that he is 100% full of (more…)
Good evening, Dr. Ali – I’m Tabitha. Nearly 40, 4 kids, divorced twice, great career, living in the Midwest. I like to say I have an AMAZING dating resume (some sarcasm, but NO APOLOGIES)! Best of all, I fully believe myself to be a modern goddess (who happens to adore orchid ice cream!) I’ve been seeing a gentleman my age for a little while, he has warrior potential. We’ve enjoyed 4 very long dates…and they are long because of how much we’ve enjoyed them! The last two dates have included intimacy, with the hope for some of that ice cream. Unfortunately, while fulfilling many of my needs, this gentleman appears to have erectile dysfunction. Having an active sex life is important to me, I believe it is important to him, and based on some recent advertising, I’m pretty sure it’s still a possibility! I’m also pretty sure it’s not very goddess-like to suggest a visit to the doctor (and SURELY he’s noticed)…but what exactly does a modern goddess do in this situation?
Thanks for the note, Tabitha!
A modern goddess is also a grownup, we hope. Which means — you can talk about it! The same way you would say ‘wow, your shoelaces are untied’, you bring up the topic. Ask with curiosity and empathy, but in a straightforward way. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, tell him. If it’s not, tell him. Do NOT try to solve his problem for him; that’s his job. Any time you tell a guy what to do, the goddess risks tumbling down from Mt Olympus.
But you can share how you feel and what you want. It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal — no need to get all tongue-tied and embarrassed about the whole thing. ED is not a character flaw just like a twisted ankle isn’t a character flaw. Just tell him you want to get something straight between the two of you (ha), and get the dialog started. The more comfortable you are discussing it, the more comfortable he’ll be.
Ladies. Let’s play a game, shall we?
I invite you to imagine a special kind of ice cream. It’s orchid-flavored. It tastes exquisitely good. Moreover, the deeper you dig into a scoop, the better it tastes. So much so that the last spoonful is almost orgasmic.
Not only does orchid ice cream taste good, it also seems to be good for you. It keeps the body healthy and balanced, and has particularly salubrious effects on the mind. After a scoop of orchid, you feel refreshed, relaxed and energized at the same time. And whatever was weighing on your mind before the scoop seems to magically evaporate afterwards. It’s almost as if you’ve exercised or something. Oh, and people who regularly eat orchid ice cream sleep better and rarely get depressed.
There is a catch: you can only order orchid ice cream if you intend to share it. Luckily, it tastes even better when it’s shared. Moreover, you forge a lasting bond with the person you share it with. Some people report having lifetime friendships even from just one scoop! And the more scoops you share, the stronger the bond.
Now you may be worried that orchid ice cream is fattening. But here’s the crazy thing: it’s not! It even (more…)
Hi Dr. A:
I had a second date with a guy on Sunday that I think I could possibly like–I certainly admire his work and his work ethic. BUT on our second date, we had a make out session but then suddenly he turned into octopus man and actually found out what color bra I was wearing! I wasn’t prepared for that and now am feeling slightly resentful and guilty and angry and wondering what I did. Yes, I kissed him passionately for minutes at a time. Was that it? Now that it’s done–I won’t see him for a couple of weeks (he’s away working.) That doesn’t bother me (yet.) My question is: How can I tell him I’d like to take things more slowly. I don’t want to cut him lose but he’s moving a little fast.
What’s the nicest, most encouraging thing I can say to him to get my message across without hurting his feelings or chasing him away–which I don’t want to do. I suppose just being honest about my feelings (in a nice way at the right time) would probably be the way to handle this. Just wondering what you think?
Thanks from a big fan, Jessica
Good question, Jess! Your inuition is correct: tell him that you’d like to take things more slowly — y’know, as opposed to just thinking about telling him. Communicate!
For difficult conversations, I like to use the Praise Sandwich: start with praise; say what’s on your mind (usually less pleasant than praise); end with praise. People tend to remember the first and last items in a list best (primacy and recency are the technical terms), so he’ll leave feeling good about the whole thing. In the meantime, you deliver your message successfully.
Also, in the letter it sounds like you’re blaming yourself for his ‘octopus’ behavior. From here, it sounds like he did it, and it’s probably because he thinks you’re hot, which is a good thing. Some day you’ll be 90yrs old and wrinkly and wish guys would make passes at you. Resentment, guilt and anger would be (more…)
I’ve decided to add a new feature to the blog: your letters! Well, okay, I’ve been doing letters for a while. But usually I would edit them down to their essence, extract one solid lesson from it, and present it to the world.
Well, real life is messier than that, and your letters reflect that. So henceforth I’m going to put up whole letters that you guys send me (identifying data removed), with my complete, unedited response. ‘Cause y’know what? I’ve got unlimited space on my blog!
If you’ve got a good one, here are the guidelines:
That said, here’s today’s letter (which you’ll see is too long by about 800 words):
Dear dr Ali,
I am a passionate reader of your tao of dating.
Whether i am a good progressive student of your ideas? i do not know. I know i love your way of approaching relationships and i have been learning from you so much. I decided to write to you because I need you perspective. I feel confused, disoriented. I am not sure If i am losing a good guy or it is just my illusion.
I have been in a relationship with Jonathan for 3 months. We met online and shortly after we met he wanted us to be exclusive. The relationship began in a beautiful way: great compatibility of our interests, easy to communicate. Great chemistry. I have noticed he definitely made more effort for this relationship to work. 3 weeks ago everything began to change. (more…)