Category: Dating for Men

  • Dating for Men: The Tao of Stealing Girlfriends

    Hey there.  Recently got an interesting letter about a situation that I’m sure many of you have encountered before:

    *****LETTER FROM READER*****

    Dr. Alex,

    I don’t know if you have addressed this before, as I am new to your program. I just met a girl that has been dating a guy for about a month. I really want to steal her away from this guy. I feel like she is in to me.

    We were at a party and I made a good impression the first part of the night. She told me I reminded her of a couple of other guys she had dated and her pupils were pretty big. We ended up talking one on one at one point and discovered we lived on the same small street in NYC, pretty random that happening here.

    Her boyfriend (French guy) was getting really flustered by our interaction. The French guy was having a party at his house and my ex-girlfriend invited me to join. I have never pulled a jack move like this before and I didn’t tell her I thought she was beautiful or any other type of flirting besides my body language and eye contact. (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Men

  • Dating & Spirituality II: Yeah, But How Do You Make It Work?

    The last article that I wrote, about how the concept of No-Self or anatta can empower your dating in a big way, received one of the most vigorous responses from the readers.

    Here’s one of them:

    “I really loved this article.  The way you weave the concept of no-self into the dating pipeline, examining every step of the pipeline separately is nothing short of brilliant.

    My only question is how to convince yourself that you have no self.  I understand the metaphysical argument with the river molecules and the brain neuron action potentials changing constantly and all that, but how do I lose the emotional attachment?  The pride?  It would seem that if I don’t have ego, then I can’t be proud of myself for anything.

    Is there a mindtrack that deals with this?”

    — Michael, Los Angeles
     (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Men

  • What do women want: the enigma of female sexuality

    This has got to be one of the most insightful articles on female sexuality I’ve ever read.  It discusses some new scientific findings about female arousal with profound implications — and some very controversial interpretations.

    Every man should read this to understand better the inner workings of the female psyche; every woman should read this to better understand herself.  Two of the thought-provoking findings: women are aroused by a much broader array of stimuli than men are.  And although men’s subjective reports of arousal pretty much match their objective physiological arousal, the women’s subjective reports had massive disjunction from the objective arousal, almost as if it were two different people reporting.

    I encourage you to read the whole article.  In the meantime, here are two passages which I found particularly thought-provoking:

    “Meana spoke about two elements that contribute to her thinking: first, a great deal of data showing that, as measured by the frequency of fantasy, masturbation and sexual activity, women have a lower sex drive than men, and second, research suggesting that within long-term relationships, women are more likely than men to lose interest in sex. Meana posits that it takes a greater jolt, a more significant stimulus, to switch on a woman’s libido than a man’s. “If I don’t love cake as much as you,” she told me, “my cake better be kick-butt to get me excited to eat it.” And within a committed relationship, the crucial stimulus of being desired decreases considerably, not only because the woman’s partner loses a degree of interest but also, more important, because the woman feels that her partner is trapped, that a choice — the choosing of her — is no longer being carried out.”

    That’s big.  To me, it says that one of the reasons that marriage dampens sexual interest is the lock-down.  Where there’s no choice, there’s no mystery.  So the desire for commitment actually works at cross purposes (more…)

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  • Dating for Men: Approaching a Stranger of Interest

    Subject: Approaching a Stranger of Interest

    Hallo Dr. Alex,

    Such good material. Sorry that I just joined you. If I knew, I could have joind you long ago. But for now Dr, a simple question here:

    There is this girl in town I have been looking at for quite some time now (it’s a girl, not a woman, 20 years of age or so). She looks beautiful to me in all departments e.g. behaviours, physically, mentally… yup, so to say. The problem is, this is not my home town, I only came down here for work. So, not so many people know me yet. I mean, this girl does not know me, her friends do not know me and I don’t know them. I only noticed this girl and so, I started looking at her. I have not made her know that I’m interested in her. And I don’t think she took notice of me because I never presented myself upon her yet.

    Now, I would like to make a move for this girl. She looks mature and there for taking. Could you please advice me on how to make a move for this girl?? Your opinion and wise words would be appreciated Dr.

    Avril

    Avril,

    Thanks for writing in.  Sun Tzu says in “The Art of War” that the battle is won or lost before the first blow is struck. Seems to me that without really having spoken to this woman, you have already built her up far too much. So this battle is already lost — if you go into it with the mindset that she’s so great (do you really know that?) and somehow you must have her because she’s cute and ‘there for the taking.’ I would recommend going out with a few other women or just speaking to this one with the aim of finding out who she is (vs impressing her, or trying to pull off some trick to ‘get’ her). Once you want her less and know her more, you’ll be in a much better position.

    All the best,

    Dr Alex

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    Categories: Dating for Men

  • The Odysseus Protocol, or how to bypass willpower to get more out of life (in dating & beyond)

    I’ve briefly touched upon the Odysseus protocol in the past.

    The name comes from Homer’s Odyssey.  Odysseus and his ship are about to pass through the Siren-infested waters.  On the one hand, he knows that hearing their song will spell his doom.  On the other hand, he’s dying of curiosity and is tired of hearing about their song and just wants to hear their song, dammit, and be the only mortal to live to tell.  What’s the big fuss about anyway?

    Now Odysseus is one crafty dude, so he tells all of his sailors to plug their ears with wax so they can’t be tempted by the Sirens’ song.  He keeps his own ears unplugged, but tells his mates to lash him to the mast and ignore everything he says.  That way, he gets to eat his cake and have it too: he hears the Sirens, but doesn’t die.

    The essence of the Odysseus protocol is arranging your physical environment to achieve the outcome you want.  In this case, Odysseus’ outcome was “hear the Siren’s song but don’t croak.”  So he made sure his crew wouldn’t be tempted by plugging their ears, and he made sure he didn’t do anything silly by (more…)

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  • Dating & Spirituality I for Men: How No-Self Can Get You Her Fine Self

    So one of the things I’ve always liked about Eastern wisdom in general and the Tao Te Ching in particular is its practicality.

    Before, I associated spirituality with some guy in a long robe spewing stuff about crystal power and channeling dead ancestors and whatnot.

    But here was this book — the Tao Te Ching — which gave you these paradoxical-sounding concepts that made your life better when you applied them. Crazy, huh.

    Now, I’m a practical kind of guy, you see. Which means that I start out as a skeptic, test an idea, and see if it gives me results.

    If it does, then hallelujah. Game on. That’s how I got into hypnotherapy, and that’s how I got into Eastern wisdom.

    I call this ‘open-minded skepticism‘, and I encourage you to try it on for yourself. (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Men

  • Beyond dating (for men and women): 8 Ways to Feel Great Now

    Looks like we’re living in interesting times.

    The financial markets are in a tizzy, people are losing jobs and homes, and there’s a pivotal election coming up on top of all that.

    Hey, just yesterday, even I got hit by a couple of nasty surprises, and lord knows I was pretty bummed out for a little while.

    I also know that what happened to me was pretty small in comparison to the hardships that some people out there have been experiencing.

    Some of you may have lost your home or entire community to natural disaster. Some of you may have had years of savings (seemingly) lost in a blink of an eye. Some of you may have lost a job while having a family to support.

    If that sounds like you, then read on. Because I have some encouraging words for you.

    Now I’m the furthest thing from a financial expert, so I’m not going to give you any pointers in that arena.

    What I can tell you is how to use your mind in a way such that you are happier, healthier and more effective as a human being. Because that’s the foundation from which everything else can work. (more…)

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  • The Anti-Love Drug?

    I’ve always said getting married because you’re in love is like buying a car because you’re drunk — making a major life decision when you’re in a state of severely compromised judgment.  The following New York Times article talks about that and brings up some other interesting facts.

    In the new issue of Nature, the neuroscientist Larry Young offers a grand unified theory of love. After analyzing the brain chemistry of mammalian pair bonding — and, not incidentally, explaining humans’ peculiar erotic fascination with breasts — Dr. Young predicts that it won’t be long before an unscrupulous suitor could sneak a pharmaceutical love potion into your drink.

    That’s the bad news. The not-so-bad news is that you may enjoy this potion if you took it knowingly with the right person. But the really good news, as I see it, is that we might reverse-engineer an anti-love potion, a vaccine preventing you from making an infatuated ass of yourself. Although this love vaccine isn’t mentioned in Dr. Young’s essay, when I raised the prospect he agreed it could also be in the offing.

    Read the full story on NYTimes.com

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