Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

The #1 Mistake in Modern Communication

Regret-generating ambiguous email #1056: So, I’m sorry to see that we are not on the same page when it comes to the unwritten rules of engagement with the opposite sex, and apparently not even reading the same book in terms of our relationship.  I did have fun though. :)

Regret-generating ambiguous text #343: Ur a self-centered bastard.  Fine, maybe I was PMSing, but ur still a jerk.

This article is going to be short.  It will contain one main message.  It’s an important one.  The message is this:

No emotional communication via email, text, or voicemail (aka asynchronous media).  Ever.

You should use email, text and even voicemail to transmit straight data only.  ‘What time are we meeting’, ‘what’s the address’, that kind of thing.  The occasional compliment or flirty message is okay, but even those can be subject to misunderstanding.

Now let me explain why emotional communication via text or email is such a bad idea.

1) Error rate in message generation is high.

Communication has three phases:

Message generation: Did you compose it accurately?

Message transmission: Did it fly through the air and safely get there?

Message interpretation: Did the recipient understand it the way you meant it?

When you talk to someone face-t0-face, all three things (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 14 January 2013

Dealbreakers: What to Do When You Have (Very) Mixed Feelings About a Guy

Here’s a letter I got recently which highlights one of the most common issues women have when it comes to dating.  For all of you who have ever been in mediocre relationships, listen up:

Hi Alex,

Thanks for the compassionate, thoughtful and straightforward presentation of your experience and perspective.  This information has been very helpful in creating new possibilities for my own experience.

In 3 weeks I will have been in a self-described ‘partnership’ for two years.  It has been both delightful and devastating. My partner, while he verbally professes love for me, and has shown up in many very supportive ways, has also betrayed me repeatedly in public, always for a person he says is ‘only a friend’.  I have gotten stuck on wanting to forgive and move through it and not been effective in being aware of and communicating or acting on what I am honestly experiencing. He has expressed sincere regret that ‘you are having this experience of betrayal’.  Something about that phrase is very uncomfortable to me, as if I should (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 10 May 2010

Better Dating Decisions Through Game Theory

Is there a science to making better dating decisions?

It’s 5.30pm on Friday night, and you have a date for 8pm. You’re really eager to spend time with this new guy you’ve met. He says he’s made a reservation at the hottest new restaurant in town, and you’ve been anticipating this since Monday when you agreed to go out with him. It’s the highlight of your long week.

You arrive home, put down your handbag and take off your jacket, wondering whether you’re going to wear that red off-the-shoulder number or the more subdued black dress. And shoes – which shoes… when the ringing of your phone interrupts your train of thought. It’s him. He says his boss called him in to help prepare for tomorrow’s client presentation. He cancels on you.

What’s the Right Thing to Do?

If you’ve ever dated, (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 4 May 2010

The Quick Guide for Getting Guys: How Smart Women Can Understand Men

Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it’s hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn’t train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.

Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 22 April 2010

On Bad Boys and How to Spot Them

This is an excerpt straight out of Chapter 5 of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Irresistible.  It’s an addendum to the HuffingtonPost.com article “Which Part of ‘Bad Boy’ Did You Not Understand, Sandra?”

We talked about noticing aspects of your own behavior that are relevant to your fulfillment.  For example, if you’re chronically getting in the way of your own happiness through self-deprecation, that’s useful to know (and, by the way, stop doing that already.  Thanks.).  Equally important is to notice behaviors of potential male companions which bear on your fulfillment.

This section is for those of you who find yourselves occasionally (or serially) involved with bad boys only to regret the episode afterwards.  If you’ve never had a problem with bad boys and  don’t think you ever will, you may also skip this section.  If you like bad boys and can handle them just fine, then skip this section.  If you’ve ever found a bad boy even slightly appealing and think you could someday get involved with one, read on.

There’s something attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one, because (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 8 February 2011

Why do smart people make dumb decisions?

Meet my friend Bart. As a surgeon, every day at work he’s entrusted with the lives of others, and he handles the job well. He’s a genuinely gifted fellow. He’s also fit, healthy, and well-rounded.

In other words, Bart has made a lot of great decisions in his life, and continues to do so every day.

Except that some time ago, he got engaged. And none of his friends thought it was a good idea. We all predicted disaster, of the Hindenberg up-in-flames variety.

Bart did get separated a few years later, and you probably know someone who was plenty smart who made a similarly disastrous decision. Whether it was taking the wrong job, buying a Hummer, selling off Microsoft stock in 1989 or launching into a destructive affair, (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 4 March 2010

This is Your Brain on Love

Here’s a great summary of some of the current thinking on what happens to your noggin when you’re in love (or lust).  The name of one of the researchers is Timothy Loving — you can’t make that kind of thing up.

(CNN) — Poets, novelists and songwriters have described it in countless turns of phrase, but at the level of biology, love is all about chemicals.

Although the physiology of romantic love has not been extensively studied, scientists can trace the symptoms of deep attraction to their logical sources.

“Part of the whole attraction process is strongly linked to physiological arousal as a whole,” said Timothy Loving (his real name), assistant professor of human ecology at the University of Texas, Austin. “Typically, that’s going to start with things like increased heart rate, sweatiness and so on.” Continued here

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 16 February 2010

Why Really Smart Guys Have Tough Love Lives

I had my first kiss when I was 19.

Her name was Emma. She was also 19, with an irresistible English accent and very cute to boot. I was pretty sure that I was going to marry her.

Except that she dumped me, pulverizing my heart into nanoparticles. It was the only time in my life that I got depressed: poor sleep, suppressed appetite, lotsa Kafka. It kinda sucked.

The next kiss didn’t come for another 4 years, when I was in medical school. That’s also when my career as a professional virgin came to an end. To understate things, I was a late bloomer in the realm of romance.

I wasn’t stupid or ugly. No hermit, either – knew most people on campus. No, I was just clueless.

Turns out that the skill set required to navigate the tricky waters of romantic interaction wasn’t in any book I had read or any class I had taken. Mom, dad, the sex-ed teacher – none of them had taught me any of this stuff.

This is a serious omission, since our relationships with others are the biggest (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 3 May 2010

‘Happiness Project’ by Gretchen Rubin Video Review

If Aristotle was correct in calling happiness the summum bonum of life — the chief good, the ultimate thing we all strive for in all our strivings — then The Happiness Project is a sure-fire recipe for having more of it.

A fun, funny and wise book written by Gretchen Rubin, a regular HuffingtonPost.com contributor, it’s a distillation of the wisdom of the ages on happiness. It provides eminently practical ways to amplify your happiness pretty much immediately (e.g. gossip less; exercise more; launch a pet project).

In this video review, I share my impressions on The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun. Be sure to check out also my interview with Gretchen, her excellent blog, and the supremely useful resources of her Happiness Project Toolbox.

If you like the video, please show signs of life by rating it and leaving comments!

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Categories: Dating for Women

Tags: Aristotle, best book reviews in the world, exercise, gossip, Gretchen Rubin, how to get happier, Samuel Johnson, summum bonum, The Happiness Project

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 5 February 2010